Choosing to Choose the Right

Is it just me?

2009-02-06T21:54:00.003-07:00

I think that maybe I like to overanalyze some things, trying to tag things to a definition or tie something down to a category so that I can make better sense of things in my life. It is in this light that I am trying to define a shift that I am sensing.

I am noticing a trend here in our corner of the blogging world. I haven't been posting much, but I am keeping up to date on my old faves and learning about new people.

I am noticing that there are thought processes out there concluding that living same gender attraction isn't the sin they once believed; the idea that living the lifestyle of SGA is more God approved than what we once thought, or as the conservative population of the world sees.

I would imagine that there have been many who have come to this conclusion long before now, and have made the appropriate changes that occur with the new belief system. I guess I just feel the the change with those with whom I have gotten to know since I have started blogging.

Does anyone else sense this change in the wind, or has it been there for a while and have I just been oblivious to it? Or am I imagining things? Tell me what you think.

Do I Smell? [sniffing armpits icon]

2009-01-30T11:37:00.002-07:00

I have to admit that I am disappointed that I haven’t gotten any comments on my last post. I knew that I was bringing something up that was controversial to say the least to our blogging world, but I didn’t think that this would cause an absence of discussion, something that has never happened to me since I started my blog.

At first I wasn’t worried, I just thought that perhaps everyone has been busy and have not been checking in. Usually there is a comment in a few hours, if not minutes in some cases. But as the days passed, those that usually comment on my blog have remained silent and have continued on posting on their respective blog.

I have come to the conclusion of a few possibilities.

First I have caused offense and people don’t like me or my recent post to say the least.

Second my presence has caused apathy in my readers and they don’t care whether I write or not.

Third (which I think is most probable) is that my post has created cognitive dissonance in my readers and they don’t know where they stand and therefore have not posted.

Perhaps some may feel that the influence of a reading wife has caused alterations in my views or in what I post. I do admit that there has been much discussion between Ginger and I, which naturally would cause my thinking to have more views than I could come up with on my own.

I feel that with my wife’s support I am becoming a better man and I have more faith that Heavenly Father is concerned with my well being and is blessing me as I turn to him with more resolution in my life.

I hope that I have not offended anyone. If this is the case I apologize because this was not my intention; I was not trying to rock the boat.

In any case, I am happy with the self confidence that I have gained in the past few months and years, because without my development in loving myself as much as I have grown accustomed to, I would be upset and concerned about rejection. While I do feel a bit rejected, I am confident in myself and am at peace with my place in life.

What I Have Been Keeping From You

2009-01-26T22:29:00.003-07:00

In my experience in the world of blogging, I have come to a few conclusions that have helped me to better determine and focus on the views that I am learning of and would like to emulate.

First, I have learned that every person needs to feel loved and accepted in their lives. This doesn’t remain solely on the issues that arise with same gender attraction, but include the lives of all those who experience a myriad of challenges. In my case I have remember always craving the attention, affection and acceptance of others. Perhaps this stems from a circumstance in my early life that made me feel like I wasn’t important, or that I was unacceptable.

I have opened up my life concerning same gender attraction to few people, and have unfortunately been forced to deal with people with whom I had not entrusted my heart with, due to the poor calculations of others who felt it their responsibility to become involved with my life when it was not my desire.

With the few people that I have shared with, I was hoping to gain a feeling of true acceptance from them, and in most every case I had. Yet I knew of the temptations that I had faced and even with those who knew of my challenges, I was afraid that if they only knew how I felt, that I would lose their acceptance and would become unloved.

With the creation of my blog, I almost immediately felt loved and accepted. I feel that because of that experience, I learned that I could be worthy of such emotion from others, and felt that I was on a spiritual high. As the weeks passed, though I felt thoroughly accepted and loved, the high diminished and I realized that with that knowledge, my blog wasn’t helping me learn that knowledge any more. I know that I am acceptable, and that I am loveable. I don’t need my blog for this purpose.

Yet when my blog was brought to my wife’s attention, I realized that I hadn’t learned my lesson. Her reactions to feelings of betrayal from hiding my online writings from her made me fear that I was unacceptable and worst yet, endangering the love that we have nurtured and developed over the past seven years of our marriage. Whenever Ginger grew quiet, I instantly feared the worst and would constantly ask what she was feeling. I would continually apologize to her for my actions of hiding my blog from her and she would forgive me, time and time again, and I would always reply ‘why? I don’t deserve it.’

We have a close friend who is a practitioner of Brain Gym, an alternative health method for helping people to overcome learning disabilities. What many people don’t realize is the ability that Brain Gym has to release negative emotions and fears, enabling us to heal emotionally in our lives (an example). My practitioner is an angel in her early seventies who has a firm testimony of the gospel and is active in the LDS church. I have worked with her for several years and my life has been changed completely through the work that we have done together.

Many emotional issues that people face come to us for a reason, some experience in our lives cause us to think a certain way about ourselves and in almost every case, a negative view is born and the way that we think and act is altered in a way that is not emotionally healthy.

Through a process called muscle testing, a practitioner can ‘sleuth’ their way to the root of an emotional problem. After we learn as to what the emotional blockage is, through a series of physical exercises, the blockage can be removed, with a goal written in positive affirmation that we call a balance. Most often, only the knowledge of the emotional blockage is needed to overcome the issue, without needing to know the specific reason causing the blockage.

While many feel a need to learn why they react the way that they do, as I progress I have learned that I most often do not care what caused my issues, but I look forward with hope for a renewed existence.

Yet in some cases, I do feel it is important to know the reasons for my issues.

For example, through the process of working on overcoming panic attacks, I learned that I was molested by a female caregiver when I was a toddler, something that I was never aware of. I learned that I could feel safe with a member of the opposite sex, and through some physical actions ‘prescribed’ for me, I overcame my panic attacks in a matter of days, if not hours.

Sometimes, emotional challenges are passed down through generations as a negative belief called a miasm. These issues are passed down from parent to child without knowledge or action. When I was ready to start overcoming my same gender attraction, my practitioner and I discovered that this issue was passed down from three different ancestral lines, three generations back.

We discussed one theory for same gender attraction, which we both feel inspired to be the cause for my issues. In at least three separate incidents, male progenitors of mine were sexually abused by another male. Even with being forced or coerced to engage in a sexual act, I imagine that there is or can be some degree of arousal or pleasure that the victim feels. The individual undergoes severe consequences because of the abuse, but can also wonder about his sexual orientation. Others become the abuser at a later date.

I will state that right now that I do not claim that this is the only reason for the creation of same gender attraction.

Through this balance, the emotional link via miasm was broken. This means that the negative belief has been removed and it not only breaks the emotion for me, but for all in my immediate and my extended family. This does not break habit, but only removes the emotional need caused by the miasm.

I have wondered if there has been any change in my two living uncles who are also same gender attracted. (I had one more, but he died of AIDS several years ago)

How has this changed me? Almost immediately I felt different. I felt that a large percentage of my same gender attraction burden was lifted from me. Perhaps I would say that maybe 70% of my sga was relieved and now I am only at 30%.

So, what of the other 30%? I am positive that I have more issues that revolve around my same gender attraction that I must overcome. I believe that I cause issues for myself in thinking too much about my situation and that negative beliefs are implanted into my psyche.

I fear that in stating that I can completely overcome my same sex attraction I might not experience it and then what state would I be in then? I am too scared to hope for the best because I don’t want my hope to be taken from me, now that I have gained it.

In any case, does it matter how much I have left? The important blessing that I have experienced is a long sought relief from the feelings that have left me at odds with myself and the gospel of Christ. I feel so wonderfully blessed from Brain Gym. I go as far as saying that the reason that Ginger and I felt inspired to move to where we are is because of the proximity that we have with our wonderful friend.

Going back to my feeling unworthy of my Ginger’s love: I had a balance on Saturday and I feel like a new man once again. Never in my experience with Brain Gym have I ever felt disappointment in a failed balance. In fact, when I turn it over to pure sleuthing, muscle testing to find out what the most important issue is to overcome in that stage of my life, I feel the most dramatic difference. It is like being reborn again and again, with a new view, and a new outlook to life. Heavy burdens that once seemed insurmountable are overcome in even as short as a few hours.

Do I believe that in the afterlife that same gender attraction will be removed from us? Definitely! No question in my mind. I know that this is a question for many who fear the worst, but as I have learned and progressed, I have come to realize how much change is possible, even where we expect it the least.

Do I believe that it can be overcome in this life? I really, truly believe that it is possible. The only things that keep us back from it are our lack of faith, and not having the tools.

I have learned in the blogging world that there are many views concerning this. I do not judge others for how they feel, but I do recognize when views are different from mine, and I feel the spirit bear witness confirming my testimony.

I am uplifted by many of you. You are true friends, and I hope that we will all remain true friends in this life, and that after this life, I look forward to experiencing complete relief to our challenges with each of you.

The Verdict

2009-01-19T11:00:00.005-07:00

Things have changed around my place a bit in the past week. You must have read my last post, so you know the situation leading up to the changes.

First, I have learned more about the love and acceptance that Ginger (my wife’s new pseudonym) has for me. She read my blog, and has communicated her concerns with me. I have learned that her love extends much farther than the small boundaries that I feared.

Despite the dishonesty that I have shown in spending private time online without her knowledge, she accepts my position online and as long as I am progressing positively in my life, than she has no issue with the continuation of me in the blogging world.

Ginger does not feel inclined to get involved, but she will check in from time to time under my login information to see what the blogging world is up to.

The important thing for her is that I maintain positive progression and that I not affiliate significantly with anyone that would encourage me in either word or example to compromise my positive development.

I felt that the progression that I have made thus far since the creation of my blog has been in self acceptance and feeling accepted by others.

If I had shared my challenges with others around me, I might experience acceptance from some, but with little understanding. Surely I would experience some fallout with some, which would be sad for me to experience.

Online I have been uplifted by others who not only accept me, but also understand the challenges that I face.

Now if I created my blog to gain acceptance in my life and I experience that acceptance in my life, then I ask myself, what now? Why would I continue to share my thoughts and feelings online? I don't feel that I am in any position to inspire or help others (though if that happens, bonus to whoever is uplifted), as I feel that I need to work on the uplifting of my own life.

I learn and grow as I read the posts of others that compartmentalize feelings and inclinations, and juxtapose them with gospel principles. As I read the enlightenment, or the questions of others, I question my motives and views and figure things out more fully.

I also read posts with discernment and am able to pick out truth and am able to recognize notions that will lead down the wrong path. In so doing I am able to create guidelines for my life and can check myself against my decisions to determine where I am at with my progression.

Of course there will be times when my resolve will falter and whether I decide to act upon my desires or not, it is my hope that my blogging experience will help me with my resolution.

My mission statement is to live my life in accordance with the commandments of God, and to magnify my calling as a patriarch and spiritual leader of my family. I believe that in putting off the natural man the atoning Sacrifice I can be absolved and will be able to return to live with God. I believe if I come unto God he will make my weaknesses stronger. Whether I experience same gender attraction or not, I will be able to live again with God, and that is my purpose of life.

[descension from soapbox]

New Beginning

2009-01-16T12:35:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got a text from my wife asking about the email address that I created when I started blogging.

I told her about my blog and why I started it, to journal my way through overcoming same gender attraction. Her reaction was positive, understanding the acceptance that I was looking for, though she felt that I should have gotten help in another form.

My wife’s main concern was the confirmation of trust issues in the past by not being forthcoming. These trust issues are the things that upset her the most, with me keeping my blog from her. I could have prevented this if I had shared my blog with her in the first place.

The jury is still out whether I will keep blogging or not, but I wanted to let you know that she knows now, in case I am not around for a while. She has full access to my blog and will be reading it, if she hasn’t done so already.

Why I Don't Blog

2009-01-11T00:40:00.004-07:00

Obviously I haven't been posting lately, well, for over a month now. I do have excuses, like getting into finals, and then the holidays, but now that the holidays are over, I have been trying to determine why I have stopped blogging for now.

First, I have not told my wife about my blog yet, and if I continue to blog, then I feel uncomfortable, and perhaps I am trying to avoid blogging because then I 'don't really' have to bring it up with her.

But I really think that my main reason is that I really am not wanting to post. I don't know why, but I just don't want to, so I don't. I know that I made a lot of progression, but I need to think about the progression that I need to make, and decide whether or not blogging will be a part of that progression.

Anyway, if I am going to be spending any personal time in my life on something, at least for right now, I want it to include my wife and kids, and so is my choice. Of course you all accept that and will tell me to take my time, thanks in advance for your comments. Of course you will miss me (or maybe not, am I being dramatic?), and you will be happy when I return. Maybe I won't leave, or maybe I won't come back. I can't make any promises.

In any case, this is why I haven't been blogging.

Buttering Her Up and Getting Buttered Myself

2008-12-08T00:23:00.005-07:00

When I decided to tell my wife about my blog, I felt that that I needed to prepare her for it. I knew that the basis of her future fear was that she was going to lose me, one way or another, so I wanted her to come from a place where she was confident with our relationship, so that when she counts back to when I first started my blog, that she would see that I wasn’t having any rendez-vous's [don't know how to make that plural] with other mohos to hook up, or that I wasn’t disconnecting from her and the family, or that I wasn’t drastically changing who I was to threaten our relationship.

So in the past few days I have been texting her during class and work times to let her know that I have been thinking about her. I have sent her love letters via email to remind her how I feel. I let her sleep in when I am home and get the kids ready for the day. I made her French toast today for brunch (yes, I admit, we forgot it was Fast Sunday) and served it to her on a breakfast tray as she worked on her Sunday School lesson on our bed. After the ward Christmas party we watched her favorite show, Ghost Whisperer while I made her a therapeutic foot soak and alternated in exfoliating her feet and then moisturizing, something that she LOVES having done.

I have returned every form of affection that she gives me (something that doesn’t always happen when I am not in the mood). I have given her neck rubs and foot rubs. I joke with her and play games with her and her siblings and we have fun. It’s a lot like we are in love, and we are.

After experiencing so much positivity, I sit on the fence about sharing my blog with her because I am still afraid of what it will do to our relationship. We feel so close, and I can’t wait until I am done with exams this week to be able to spend more time with her over the holidays.

A few years ago, she found out that I had a problem with porn, and it nearly destroyed us. She was so upset, and though I know that this isn’t the same, and that she only mentioned the word divorce in her first knee-jerk reactions and that it really wasn’t how she felt overall, I still fear that there will be some fallout over this.

I know that none of you can really know our situation without knowing my wife more. For the time I will continue to build our relationship, because I love it. I love her, and in redoubling my effort to love her I have fallen even more in love with her.

So if you will excuse me, I will now go cuddle with my wife.

P.S. Tonight when we were getting into bed (I am writing in bed on my laptop) I said that I had a really good idea for a free Christmas present that she could give me that I would love. I told her that she could let us switch the sides of the bed that we normally sleep on for a month. She laughed and then told me no way.

I have always slept on the left (when you are standing at the foot of the bed, facing the head of the bed, but recently I feel more comfortable on the other side, but she never lets me get away with actually sleeping there.

Is this something that any of you experience? What side do you all sleep on, and is there a male trend, or is it just blind habit?

On a Sweeter Note -- Egg Nog Meringue

2008-12-07T11:45:00.002-07:00

We had a bunch of egg whites left over from making custard for our english trifle that we were making for Sunday dinner today and I googled some uses for them and decided to make meringues.

Preheat the oven to 275F
2 egg whites
1/3 cup icing sugar
2 tsp vanilla
3 drops egg nog flavoring (available at candy making stores, try something else if you don't have this kind, and let me know how it turns out)

While this isn't the recipe that I found (I modified it) I would have to say that the outcome is incredible!

Beat the egg whites until they form stiff peaks, but not until they are too dry. Gradually mix in the sugar. Stir in the vanilla and flavoring.

Pipe or spoon the mixture onto a cookie sheet and cook for 25-30 minutes. Cool and enjoy.

They really are amazing, and I don't even like meringue.

Why I Idolize Scott and Sarah

2008-12-04T13:09:00.007-07:00

A few weeks ago I had a big fight with my wife over prop 8 and about gay rights (see past post). Not getting too far into it, I felt that even homosexuals should be able to have certain things that my wife did not think they should have.

I felt totally rejected, especially when she questioned my spirituality as a result of it, and the ability that I was giving up in being a spiritual patriarch to my family. My heart was broken, because I had just entered into the blogging family and for the first time in my life, I had been accepted with my darkest secret.

I knew that I had grown some, and that my wife had not. I know that it would be unfair for her for me to expect anything more than the support she was already providing me, knowing about my SSA.

That realization did not erase from me the feelings of rejection and a desire from being accepted from my wife, just as a true understanding of the plan of salvation does not erase homosexual desires from our hearts.

It was at that time that I entered a deep depression that lasted only for a day or so. I couldn't talk or be with my wife. My schoolwork suffered and though I never have seriously considered suicide at any time of my life, the suicidal thoughts came to me as they sometimes do. I was literally a mess and it scared the crap out of my wife while I repeatedly ignored call after immediate call from her, only sending texts in reply that I couldn't talk to her in the state that I was in.

She eventually gave up around midnight, after a couple of hours of trying to communicate with me. I crashed into sleep, emotionally exhausted from the depression that I had felt.

The next morning I awoke with the morning-after depression, just like the sadness you wake up with after having a big fight the night before with your spouse. I knew that no resolution was made, but I contacted my wife to let her know that I was awake and going to classes. (I go to school an hour away from home, often staying at school in a rented room in someone’s house)

She immediately started sobbing, because all night she had worried if I was going to kill myself because of how depressed I was and how I wouldn’t talk to her. She has these fears based on a loved one in her family that has been suicidal in the past, nearly going through with it a few times, the last of which we together rescued this person in the act.

Sigh

Since then, we have been better, though we haven’t really revisited the conversation; I think we are too afraid to go down that road, as it was clear that we couldn’t amicably agree to disagree.

For the record, my wife did seek counsel from a friend that we call our ‘therapist,’ a grandmotherly Brain Gym practitioner who has helped us overcome emotional issues for as long as we have been together. This really should become a future post, but I can confidently say that through this I have become a remarkably different person, a complete 180 in some respects, and that I know without a doubt that without Brain Gym I would not be where I am today.

Back to the story. At this time I discovered Sarah’s blog and started reading it. For the first time I had hope for a better relationship with my wife, and it was because I knew that Scott and Sarah had theirs. I didn’t believe that I could have a more open relationship with my wife, but after reading Sarah’s blog, I knew that it is possible.

I knew that my wife loved me, with all of her heart, and that she would do anything that she is capable of to love and support me. I don’t know how long it will take, but I knew then that it was possible.

It is because of Scott and Sarah that I want to introduce my loving, caring, beautiful wife to my blog. I fear her fears, and I am doing what I can to prepare her for a smooth introduction. I am being patient, I don’t think that I could just drop it on her out of the blue, but it is the center of my prayers right now.

So perhaps I do idolize Scott and Sarah, probably more than they think that I should, but at the risk of sounding dramatic (which I loathe, even though I still am at times), I do feel that they were able to do something that nobody in existence could have done for me a the time.

Ugh! That did sound really dramatic. Excuse me while I am shamefully embarrassed by the truth of how I feel.

In the end, I think that my situation will be different from theirs, in that I think that there is no way that I would ever come out openly to the ward and others, but I do with to be more open with myself, my wife and a few other loved ones now that I more fully love myself.

How I Met My Wife

2008-12-03T14:04:00.005-07:00

I love my wife. We met 10 years ago this month in the mission field when we were both serving, though no feelings arose until 6 months after I returned home.

I had a girlfriend wait for me, though there was a bit of a break up somewhere around my halfway mark. I returned home a changed man from when I left. Before I was ok spiritually and very boisterous, when I returned I felt like a spiritual giant and more straight-laced.

My biggest issues with dating when I got home was that no girl recognized the spirituality that I had gained [except for my family, who didn’t value it]. I wanted to live a different, more spiritual life than those that I had been friends with before my mission, but nobody I knew was interested in living more spiritually. I had changed for the better, but my girlfriend changed not for the better, even though she had gone through the temple a few weeks before my return, preparing herself to be more ready to get married to me. She was seriously ready for marriage.

When I got home we went on a few dates before I was to move away for school. I was affectionate with her, but we didn’t kiss. I didn’t want to get too involved unless it was for the long run. The Saturday before I was moving to school we went out, and at the end of the date I was dropping her off at her house when she said that she wanted to talk. We had been out visiting her married friends whom she had confided in that she didn’t know what our relationship was any more.

They advised her to take initiative and kiss me, getting me to react and make a choice.

Wait, isn’t there a Cher song about that?

Anyway, I felt that I was going to be rude if I didn’t kiss her back, so I did. Unfortunately she was kissing aggressively and, well, you get the picture.

It felt so good, and I got too involved with it. I rationalized it away, perhaps partly because I was happy that my body responded the way that it did.

It was really early in the morning at this point and I crashed on her couch, her kneeling at my side, falling asleep across my chest. In the morning I knew that I had done something terribly wrong. How was I going to get out of this one? I knew that she wasn’t the one that I wanted to marry and I had led her on.

I was a terrible communicator at that time, and when I moved away, I broke up with her in an email and (ouch) said that though I didn’t want to close the lines of communication I wasn’t ready to talk to her on the phone. I knew that I would make things worse that way.

Well, it did not go over well, it was a disaster!! She was so angry with me, sending back all communication that I had sent her over email calling me a liar for saying all of the positive things that I did about our relationship.

What I haven’t mentioned yet was that before I met her she had tried to commit suicide. Now, I had caused great turmoil in her life and I was afraid that she was going to try to commit suicide again.

She went off the deep end, and went on a weekend getaway with her temple-married boss and though I don’t know the details, she had definitely fooled around with him. She had become inactive and her mother was furious with me.

You see, all of this time, her mother had been a big advocate of us getting together, and had a history of getting too involved in her daughter’s life. In fact, her husband made her promise not to write me on my mission, which she did anyway, getting me to promise not to say anything to her daughter. I tallied up the letters that I had received and I got just as many, if not more letters from the mom as I did from my girlfriend.

So her mom called my mom, accusing me of ruining her daughter’s life, to which my mother called her on the letters that she had sent me, telling her that she was building her up to marry me right when I got home.

I really don’t know why I am sharing all of this about my ex, it really isn’t about her. However, I do believe that going through that relationship led me to my beautiful and loving wife.

During this drama, I started chatting with my wife. It started one day at the end of November where I was chatting with an old companion with whom she had just broken up with. She had logged on and we were all chatting for a bit before he had to go, leaving us alone in the chat room.

Neither of us wanted to continue chatting as we were busy, but we were both too polite to say so and so we started to get to know each other.

We hit it off right away. I shared the challenges that I was having with my ex and she was really supportive of me. She recognized the spirituality that I had and appreciated it. That was enough to get my attention.

After a few days of chatting for several hours and long distance phone calls, I knew we were going to get married.

To make a long story short, we arranged for me to fly up to meet her the day after Christmas. Before I went home, two weeks later, we were engaged and we got married in April.

(I am leaving out many details of our engagement, obviously, leaving them for a later post)

My wife is one of the greatest blessings given to me. She is loving, supportive and encourages me to be a better person. There are times (as you have seen in previous posts) where we have our challenges (who doesn’t, in our situation [Okay, Scott and Sarah seem to be pretty perfect]).

I would never give up my family to live according to my SSA. Though I am tempted with desires that do not coincide with my goals, I could never leave them.

Lately things have been very good with my wife. We haven’t really discussed SSA or prop 8 since we had our issues, but I know that she still loves me more than ever, as I do with her.

I don’t think that I want to keep my blog from her any longer. I know that she will feel hurt that I have kept this from her, but when she starts reading my posts I hope that she will one day know that this is a positive influence in my life.

I ask you, fellow Moho’s, how should I break my blog to her? I don’t think that I want it to be a matter of just telling her. I want her to realize that I love her more than ever, and that I choose her more than ever so she doesn’t feel threatened by our blogging family. Of course, I know that Sarah will be great for my wife, providing that my wife is willing to get involved. Its not that I want my wife to start a blog too; I just want her to know this part of me, and be able to trust me more than before.

Really, my greatest goal is to grow closer to my wife, and have her love, respect and even appreciate this part of my life. I hope that she is able to do so.

Update

2008-11-24T19:32:00.003-07:00

I have been trying to bring myself to post this past week, but I can't force myself. I am not really sure why, except that I have been busy, but the truth of the matter is my heart is not into it.

Relations with my wife have been good. I feel that I am doing her a disservice by not sharing how we have been able to work through things, but we have. She is a wonderful woman, learning to handle the challenges my SGA throws her.

Anyway, I know that I wanted to stop posting, and I guess that I have, but I didn't want to commit to stop posting and continue. No false alarms here.

Maybe I am just tired of being dramatic and I part of my posting has made me feel that way, and so if I want to stop feeling that way I eased up on the posting. In any case, one way or another I just want to be normal.

Marital Relations III or Tired

2008-11-14T08:40:00.002-07:00

Not much seems to be going my way. Work has been slower than what I need it to be, school is hard and I am behind, finances are more challenging than usual and my wife and I are going through hard times.

After last week things have been subdued between us, until last night when we discussed prop 8 and I shared my views. I stated that the rights of individuals cannot be restrained due to our beliefs. Her views are black and white, typical of blind Mormon faith.

It was a big fight that did not turn out well. She couldn’t believe that I would support gay rights when the church had done so much in promoting prop 8. She feels that I am ignoring latter day revelation from the prophet. I have never done much research into the proposal or reactions either way, and so I can’t debate my way around the subject very well. I shared my feelings which opposed those belonging to my wife and she rejects them.

The conversation ended with her hanging up on me, after stating that she questions whether or not I am a good father and example to our children. This is interpreted to me as her questioning our relationship and making a decision if she wants to remain with me. I felt what she was saying was ‘shape up or ship out’ or ‘my way or the highway.’ This is not a subject that we can agree to disagree on.

I was scheduled to stay at school yesterday, but after getting off the phone with her I drove home, reaching our house at about 1:30am. She told me how much she loved me and we cuddled in bed for the rest of the night. I was up at 6 am taking care of our 13 month old son who has the flu and then again to get the two oldest kids off to elementary school.

I came home and made my wife breakfast, where she brought up the subject again. She had read the Elder Oaks discussion on same gender attraction and again it is pretty black and white to her. She feels that I am in the first stages of apostasy and it scares her.

I understand how she feels, but I feel certain things too that she does not understand. I don’t think that she really wants to get into understanding that much either.

I feel that I am going to have to sit down and shut up and ever since then I have been very depressed. 3 double cheeseburger ranked depression [for all of you who are counting my calories I inform you that those three burgers were about all I had all day].

One of my greatest character flaws is that when I feel sorry for myself I dwell on it. It is almost like I want to feel hurt, like I deserve it or something. I don’t feel good when I feel this way, but there has to be some payoff by it.
I don’t know what to do, other to prove to her that I choose her in my life.

I feel like I should sit down and shut up. I feel like I have no worth of being loved as an individual by mortals or heavenly beings. Of course the intellectual portion of myself argues that but the emotional being understands and accepts it as truth.

I am not chronically or clinically depressed. I don’t need meds and I know that this too shall pass sometime. I pray for love and acceptance from both my Heavenly Father and from my wife. I wish that the second coming would just come and all of this would come to an end. I am not suicidal, but I do want this mortal experience to come to an end so I can have the supposed relief that Elder Oaks promises. I am really just tired and I don’t want to go on. I feel that I am out of hope for this life so I am moving on to perhaps the afterlife. Maybe there is hope there.

Is this a midlife crisis? Am I allowed to have one before I turn thirty, or is this just a precursor to something that will cause far greater pain than I can imagine?

Marital Relations, Part II

2008-11-07T07:59:00.003-07:00

I feel so keyed up right now. Part of it is because of the liter of Orangina I drank tonight, with the bulk chocolate covered caramel wafer candy bars I bought at Walmart tonight as well. When will I ever learn that food doesn’t really make me feel better?

The time is now 12:23 am, and though I will be posting this the same day, I feel it important to set the stage for this post.

I don’t think that anyone is aware of this, but I go to school an hour and fifteen minutes away from my house. (I don’t know why people classify distance by time, but it is what we do.) In years past I have commuted daily, leaving bright and early to avoid traffic and get to my 8am classes on time. This year is different from previous years as my course load is heavier, and it is necessary for me to stay close to school, enabling me to spend extra time on schoolwork and not on driving. I spend 3 nights a week away from home, Thursday being the last night before I go home on the weekend.

Thursday night is my typical night to write my weekly essay for my ethics class that is due Fri at 9am. I will probably be staying up until 3am working on that after I am done here.

Surely you have read my previous post concerning the discussion I had with my wife where we discussed my ssa. I could almost count on one hand the times we have discussed my sexuality, as I have been very uncomfortable doing so with my wife. I stated earlier that I was probably able to do so because of my recent blogging that I have done, learning more about myself and others in my shoes.

I feel that over the past week I have gained more love and respect for myself than I probably gained in my whole life, including the time that I was on my mission. I have come to learn to love both sides of me, the good, and the ssa, which I don’t feel ashamed of any more.

And as I have said earlier, in light of my inability to communicate with my wife, I have been unfair to her by suddenly opening up to her about my sexuality.

I don’t expect much of her because of it. I can’t expect anything from her as she learns to adapt and decides how she is to feel about our situation.

Well tonight our conversation continued over the phone. We really never came to any conclusion from last night. I know that I was able to gain some important insight from what happened; I know that she needs to feel that I need and want her sexually, which I do. More importantly, that I want her more than I want to feel the feelings that I do.

I am sure that you understand where I am coming from her when I say that I hated who I was for so long, without really feeling outright hatred or disgust. I thought that I had good self esteem in high school, which paled in comparison of the self esteem that I gained from my mission and first years of marriage. I again can clearly see how I have learned more than I thought possible from myself in the past week.

I hated who I was because I thought that I was a bad person for being attracted to men. I was taught that homosexuality is deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord. And that is true. But I came to believe that I was deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord.

I felt that I could not be loved as an individual when I felt that my feeling the way that I was so wrong. How could I communicate more fully with my wife the challenges and situations that my homosexual feelings bring to my life when I felt in doing so would bring my ‘true nature’ to her sight? How could I make myself so vulnerable to the woman that I adore and cherish and put myself in a place where she could hate me as much as I hated me?

Well I couldn’t. Not until I learned to love myself, and come to the realization that I am not a terrible person.

We talked for over an hour, her sobbing because she feels so alone, that she can’t talk to anyone about how she feels.

This I understand, so clearly. I told her that an alcoholic can get up on the first Sunday of the month and talk about his struggles so openly, because being an alcoholic is more socially acceptable than being gay. He could talk about the challenges he has gone through and how the same challenges has drawn him closer to God as he has worked through putting off the natural man to become more like God.
But if I were to stand at the pulpit and do what Scott most recently did, coming out to the congregation and testifying how wonderful it is to have same gender attraction and deny myself of ungodliness and in turn draw closer to God, I would likely lose friends and become an outcast. This is because of how the church views homosexuality. Sexual sin is as emotionally terrible to mortals as proper sexuality is emotionally indescribable to mortals. That is just how we are made as human beings.

I can’t come up with a more concise comparison to homosexuality, and I feel that it is wrong to compare it to alcoholism. Homosexuality is not an addiction. I cannot think of another comparison to clearly state my idea. If you can, please share.

In the end, homosexual feelings aren’t a sexual sin, acting upon those feelings are. But as hard as it has been for me to compartmentalize these separate ideas, it is harder for church members to do the same, because they are taught that ‘being gay is bad.’

Sigh

I was able to communicate this so clearly to my wife, and she understood me. She couldn’t resolve her feelings, and I accept that. It has taken me years to come to this understanding of myself; I can’t expect her to deal with as much in just a few hours.

I don’t expect her to understand why I would want to communicate with others with sga when I know that she believes that with a sustained effort these feelings will go away. I do not judge her for that, at least not right now. That is her belief system, which is liable to change with time and understanding as she gets to know the real me for the first time ever.

This blog is unknown to her. If I get the feeling that she does not want me to I might just leave the world of blogging and disappear from what I have become accustomed to in the past week.

I feel that I have learned and gained much in the time that I have been here. I feel that there is exponentially more positive growth possible with being here than not being here. I can see how some of the things that I have said might truly be inappropriate in her eyes, but that would be classified as being imperfect, mortal man that I am.

Marital Relations

2008-11-06T13:07:00.009-07:00

Tonight I was doing some actual work on my laptop and my wife was sitting next to me on the couch folding laundry. She talked about an episode of Oprah today on a married couple that hasn’t had sex in years and was trying to change the situation. (For the record, this is not the state of my marriage, we have four kids 6 and under)

Anyway, both the husband and wife we asked to share a fantasy that they had about each other. My wife then asked me to share something like that with her. I was working at the time (which was nice not to have to give undivided attention) and I could not think of anything on the top of my mind. She kept waiting for an answer and after blogging experience, I was a little more comfortable to communicate a bit with her.

I said something to the effect that with my situation, my fantasies were different from other men in the fact that men were involved. I did my best to make it matter of fact, but I know she didn’t like it. I think that she was looking for something to confirm that I wanted to be with her sexually.

Anyway, she went to take a shower and I let her alone for a bit. I heard her crying and finally about 10 minutes later I joined her to reassure her.

My problem is that I have a hard time sharing this info with her, and so she is not used to it. In the past I when I have, her reactions made me more unwilling to share, and she does not want that to happen again, so she was trying not to react. We had a good talk, and in the end I needed to reassure her that she was my priority over my desires that I try to shun.

Later on I was on my laptop working on my blog and she came down (probably around 2am). I couldn’t click out fast enough. She was so upset that I would have this blog and keep it from her, and I knew that I had ruined our relationship again. She informed me that she did not want me staying at the house, or spending time with the kids.

I was so distraught, and so depressed. I couldn’t handle it.

And then I woke up.

I was lying in bed with her arms around me as she slept. It took me a few moments to realize that her coming downstairs was only a dream and nothing had happened. I had to calm down and tell myself that it was only a dream.

I am so glad that it was.

Checking In

2008-11-02T00:06:00.003-06:00

I think that there are three types of moho’s out there. At one end of the spectrum we find those whom I would categorize myself with as one who has a firm testimony of the truth who works and tries to follow what is right, sometimes more diligent then at other times, but cannot deny the truth that he knows. If this moho was to decide to choose the wrong, he would knowingly commit sin, accepting responsibility for his actions.

At the other end of the spectrum, we find those who have been taught the truth, but in the process of temptation has changed his mind on what is right, losing a testimony or a belief in what was first taught as being correct, feeling that God would not punish acting on homosexual tendencies or being in a loving, actively sexual long-term relationship. This man chooses to live the active gay lifestyle and does not feel guilt because his paradigm or belief system has changed to incorporate homosexual behavior as righteousness.

In the middle we find many who are between the two, questioning his belief system, asking how could it be wrong when it feels so right. These are the men that have not yet decided what to do with how they feel. I used to be one of them, from the age of 5 to about 20, when I truly gained a firm, steadfast testimony of the gospel.

If I were to advise these men, I would give them the same advice that I gave my investigators on my mission:

I am not here to convince you that I am right. I do not have the power giving lasting conviction to any individual, even my children with whom I have the most influence over. I will not do that because I believe that it is ethically and morally wrong for one person to push another to live or abide by religious principles. That is the plan that Satan had before this life, and it is wrong.

All I can, all I want, and what I love to do is to share my belief system to others who wish to hear and let my words sink into their minds. Ponder over the things that I say and the feelings that you feel, and then take it to the Lord and ask if the things that I testify are true. If you believe that there is a supreme being that cares for you, then surely he wants you to be happy. He will let you know what plan is right, but be advised that the happiness that He has for you might not be the same happiness that you would like it to be.

Now to those who feel abandoned by God (and I am sure we have probably all felt that way at times, if not, let me know that you have never felt abandoned and I will learn at your feet in hopes to develop a closer relationship to God), I testify that He is still there, that His hand is outstretched still, waiting for you to seek for Him. Pray humbly, and sincerely, and I PROMISE that He will answer your prayers.

If you do not get this or any answer, of if the answer you get is opposite from what I have shared, then all I can do is trust that you have tried to the best of your ability to do as I advise. I warmly wish you well, with ‘bromancing’ hugs (thanks, Beck) and I hope that you do find the happiness that you are looking for.

If any of my three sons were gay, and decided to live that lifestyle against my beliefs or counsel, I would love and honor them, no matter what. I think that I have at least learned that from being sga and hoping for the same from other people, especially family members in my life. My children are most precious to me, and even if they committed the most heinous of crimes, though I would be disappointed, I would always love them and would always accept them back as the prodigal son. Sometimes I feel that this is the closest that I will get to becoming like my Heavenly Father in this life.

Why I Blog

2008-10-31T16:37:00.003-06:00

My hope in this journaling is to distance myself from my feelings of same gender attraction and getting proper encouragement from others like me that are out there. Writing about this helps me to keep a proper spiritual perspective.

I want to be a stronger individual and I hope that by writing down my feelings I can grow to love myself, something that I have learned that is not the case.

I hate who I am, and for the way that I feel. I wish that I were born normal and that it would be easier to live my life in the gospel.

I hope that I can gain greater insight by writing my feelings here.

Sit back and relax, here is my story

2008-10-30T16:52:00.005-06:00

I have recently entered the world of blogging and have searched to find other Mormons who deal with same gender attraction. What I have initially found are stories of young men who are coming to terms of what they are tempted with and how to reconcile it to our religion. Others yet cast the religion aside to follow their ‘natural’ desires.

I am sure that my story is not unique, however I cannot say how many others like me would communicate or share what they are going through. I have made sporadic yet honest journals entries in the past of what I am going through, but have never shared them, even with my wife of seven years. You see I find it hard to be honest with her about how much my life is plagued with same gender attraction. I know it hurts her to know that I feel the way that I do, but I can’t deal with it.

Let me share my story with you. I have always, always known that I have been attracted to men, from my earliest memories, this I know. When I first realized that it was shameful to feel this way I kept it to myself and didn’t talk about it. My daydreams were centered around being romantically involved with manly, good looking men, even when I didn’t realize what being romantically involved meant.

I remember being around 6 years old when I saw my first superman movie. I remember daydreaming out the window in school, envisioning Christopher Reeves flying up to the school and taking me away from the boredom that I was faced with; I knew that I wanted to kiss him.

All through my growing up, I continued to feel attracted to other boys, but mostly men.

When I was in my junior year of high school my mom took me on a trip through Europe. When I was on a train ride from Paris to Rome I came into contact with a traveling school group from Canada. I visited with them for a while and then I got bored and I left. A couple of students went with me to go get a drink on the food car. One’s name was Angelo, an attractive young man from Canada. We hit it off fairly well and exchanged addresses, as I enjoyed corresponding with pen pals.

We wrote for a year or so, getting to know each other. He even talked about flying down to visit sometime. I shared with him the lack of desire that I was experiencing about going on a mission. One day in February I got a letter from him telling me that he was gay.

We had talked on the phone a few times, and the interesting thing is that he called me the afternoon that I got the letter. He called me right when I got home, right when I was reading the letter. He was worried that I hadn’t responded to the letter yet, when I hadn’t gotten it. I don’t remember what I said on the phone, but I didn’t reject him, yet I didn’t commit to anything either. I think that he was into me.

I told him that I would continue to write him and ask him some questions. I don’t remember everything that I had asked, but I did know that asked him if he went to gay bars and if he was attracted to me.

I never did get his response, as it was intercepted by my mom, who opened the letter to read it. My life felt like it was again falling apart. The next morning when my mom was driving me to school she was riding me hard, and I had had it. I was about a 45 minute walk from school but I was so upset I jumped out of the car when she slowed down at a stop sign. I made the walk to school, not dressed well for the cold weather, missing my first class.

After school I was scheduled to work in the high school greenhouse and I was glad for an excuse not to have to go home right away. Later on my mom came to pick me up in a martyred kind of mood that she is known to have, but at least she wasn’t in my face about it. I wasn’t allowed to correspond with Angelo again, and she said that she was going to have dad call him to ask him to stay away from me. Yeah right! We lived thousands of miles away from each other! But I knew what was meant.

I waited a couple of days to sneak a phone call into him to apologize for what had happened. I couldn’t leave it the way that it was. At that time I got my very first email address through the high school and so I gave it to him. He didn’t have an email address, but he had a friend who did. It’s funny to think back to a time when it was hard to get email.

My mom put the word out to the teachers at school in whose classes I had access to computers to let them know that I was not allowed to use my email. Fortunately I was able to hide it well and they didn’t enforce my mother’s sentiments.

Angelo was distraught with what had happened. He had cried a lot because of what had happened. I never did find out what he wrote. My final year at high school was coming to an end and I had to say goodbye for the summer.

That June I got my patriarchal blessing. I did not know whether or not I should go on a mission, and so I decided that I would do whatever the blessing said. I fasted and prayed to find out if I was to be a missionary, and to find out if it was a good idea to get married someday. I guess that I wasn’t sure what could happen, but I thought that it was possible that those things were not meant for me.

Of course God wanted both of those things for me and so they were clearly stated in my blessing. A couple of days later I took all of the letters and pictures that I had received from Angelo and ritualistically burned them in a small fire on the farm.

I didn’t contact Angelo again until I was away at college, it is a good example of how hard it has been for me to give it all up. We started communicating again, but it was never the same. We stopped writing and that was the end.

When I was at college I had a blast, being free from my mother’s control. I could do whatever I wanted to, and to this day I am grateful for the choices that I made those first few weeks. I knew that I could do anything, but I made good friends, who helped me to become more spiritual and prepare for my mission. I was also fortunate enough to have been followed to college by my closest friend, one of which I confided my secret.

I asked her one night if she would go for a walk with me on the track close to our dorms. We walked for what seemed like hours, in cold weather talking about how I felt.

She was very supportive, and still is to this day, even though we live so far apart and I have not seen her for more than seven years. I knew that my secret would be safe with her. She encouraged me to be honest with my bishop before I decided to serve a mission.

I remember the night that I met with my bishop to start the mission paper process. I started with the confession of how I was bisexual. I don’t remember many of the details, but he was convinced that serving a mission was the right thing for me. He gave me a copy of the Proclamation of the Family and said I should read it. It really had little impact on me, it covered everything that I already knew.

So the time came for me to put in my papers and I was spiritually ready, for the right reasons. I had finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time and I was on fire. I was called to an exotic, foreign speaking mission. When I went into the MTC I had studied a lot in the language and I was ready to excel.

On my first day I had met with my branch president, I kept nothing from him. When I entered the mission I did the same with my mission president. Looking back, I question whether or not doing so affected my not getting leadership positions in the mission field.

My mission was successful. I had many baptisms and many of which are active to this day, fulfilling leadership positions that I will probably never hold. I came home with great confidence, skinny as a bean pole and ready to get back to life. I learned much and my testimony had grown to where I will never question whether the church is true.

I came back and went to BYU Idaho and was re-introduced to a young woman who recognized my unique spirituality and valued it. I fell in love with her recognition and admiration for who I truly was, and not by the good looks that other girls noticed.

We were married shortly after my 22nd birthday and in the past 8 years we have had four beautiful children.

My wife has always known of my attraction to other men. It was something that I shared with her from the minute that I knew that I wanted to marry her. I felt that it was the honest thing to do for her to know what she was getting into. After much deliberation and my convincing her that I wanted to do what the Lord wants for me.

At times I feel like giving up, but I love my family too much to do that. I know that if I do it will be turning my back on God and what I know is right. I continue to try to do what is right, and always falling short by remaining to feel the way that I do.

I hope that my sharing this will give me strength. I hope to continue to talk about my issues and find more out about me.