Friday, February 6, 2009

Is it just me?

I think that maybe I like to overanalyze some things, trying to tag things to a definition or tie something down to a category so that I can make better sense of things in my life. It is in this light that I am trying to define a shift that I am sensing.

I am noticing a trend here in our corner of the blogging world. I haven't been posting much, but I am keeping up to date on my old faves and learning about new people.

I am noticing that there are thought processes out there concluding that living same gender attraction isn't the sin they once believed; the idea that living the lifestyle of SGA is more God approved than what we once thought, or as the conservative population of the world sees.

I would imagine that there have been many who have come to this conclusion long before now, and have made the appropriate changes that occur with the new belief system. I guess I just feel the the change with those with whom I have gotten to know since I have started blogging.

Does anyone else sense this change in the wind, or has it been there for a while and have I just been oblivious to it? Or am I imagining things? Tell me what you think.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Do I Smell? [sniffing armpits icon]

I have to admit that I am disappointed that I haven’t gotten any comments on my last post. I knew that I was bringing something up that was controversial to say the least to our blogging world, but I didn’t think that this would cause an absence of discussion, something that has never happened to me since I started my blog.

At first I wasn’t worried, I just thought that perhaps everyone has been busy and have not been checking in. Usually there is a comment in a few hours, if not minutes in some cases. But as the days passed, those that usually comment on my blog have remained silent and have continued on posting on their respective blog.

I have come to the conclusion of a few possibilities.

First I have caused offense and people don’t like me or my recent post to say the least.

Second my presence has caused apathy in my readers and they don’t care whether I write or not.

Third (which I think is most probable) is that my post has created cognitive dissonance in my readers and they don’t know where they stand and therefore have not posted.

Perhaps some may feel that the influence of a reading wife has caused alterations in my views or in what I post. I do admit that there has been much discussion between Ginger and I, which naturally would cause my thinking to have more views than I could come up with on my own.

I feel that with my wife’s support I am becoming a better man and I have more faith that Heavenly Father is concerned with my well being and is blessing me as I turn to him with more resolution in my life.

I hope that I have not offended anyone. If this is the case I apologize because this was not my intention; I was not trying to rock the boat.

In any case, I am happy with the self confidence that I have gained in the past few months and years, because without my development in loving myself as much as I have grown accustomed to, I would be upset and concerned about rejection. While I do feel a bit rejected, I am confident in myself and am at peace with my place in life.

Monday, January 26, 2009

What I Have Been Keeping From You

In my experience in the world of blogging, I have come to a few conclusions that have helped me to better determine and focus on the views that I am learning of and would like to emulate.

First, I have learned that every person needs to feel loved and accepted in their lives. This doesn’t remain solely on the issues that arise with same gender attraction, but include the lives of all those who experience a myriad of challenges. In my case I have remember always craving the attention, affection and acceptance of others. Perhaps this stems from a circumstance in my early life that made me feel like I wasn’t important, or that I was unacceptable.

I have opened up my life concerning same gender attraction to few people, and have unfortunately been forced to deal with people with whom I had not entrusted my heart with, due to the poor calculations of others who felt it their responsibility to become involved with my life when it was not my desire.

With the few people that I have shared with, I was hoping to gain a feeling of true acceptance from them, and in most every case I had. Yet I knew of the temptations that I had faced and even with those who knew of my challenges, I was afraid that if they only knew how I felt, that I would lose their acceptance and would become unloved.

With the creation of my blog, I almost immediately felt loved and accepted. I feel that because of that experience, I learned that I could be worthy of such emotion from others, and felt that I was on a spiritual high. As the weeks passed, though I felt thoroughly accepted and loved, the high diminished and I realized that with that knowledge, my blog wasn’t helping me learn that knowledge any more. I know that I am acceptable, and that I am loveable. I don’t need my blog for this purpose.

Yet when my blog was brought to my wife’s attention, I realized that I hadn’t learned my lesson. Her reactions to feelings of betrayal from hiding my online writings from her made me fear that I was unacceptable and worst yet, endangering the love that we have nurtured and developed over the past seven years of our marriage. Whenever Ginger grew quiet, I instantly feared the worst and would constantly ask what she was feeling. I would continually apologize to her for my actions of hiding my blog from her and she would forgive me, time and time again, and I would always reply ‘why? I don’t deserve it.’

We have a close friend who is a practitioner of Brain Gym, an alternative health method for helping people to overcome learning disabilities. What many people don’t realize is the ability that Brain Gym has to release negative emotions and fears, enabling us to heal emotionally in our lives (an example). My practitioner is an angel in her early seventies who has a firm testimony of the gospel and is active in the LDS church. I have worked with her for several years and my life has been changed completely through the work that we have done together.

Many emotional issues that people face come to us for a reason, some experience in our lives cause us to think a certain way about ourselves and in almost every case, a negative view is born and the way that we think and act is altered in a way that is not emotionally healthy.

Through a process called muscle testing, a practitioner can ‘sleuth’ their way to the root of an emotional problem. After we learn as to what the emotional blockage is, through a series of physical exercises, the blockage can be removed, with a goal written in positive affirmation that we call a balance. Most often, only the knowledge of the emotional blockage is needed to overcome the issue, without needing to know the specific reason causing the blockage.

While many feel a need to learn why they react the way that they do, as I progress I have learned that I most often do not care what caused my issues, but I look forward with hope for a renewed existence.

Yet in some cases, I do feel it is important to know the reasons for my issues.

For example, through the process of working on overcoming panic attacks, I learned that I was molested by a female caregiver when I was a toddler, something that I was never aware of. I learned that I could feel safe with a member of the opposite sex, and through some physical actions ‘prescribed’ for me, I overcame my panic attacks in a matter of days, if not hours.

Sometimes, emotional challenges are passed down through generations as a negative belief called a miasm. These issues are passed down from parent to child without knowledge or action. When I was ready to start overcoming my same gender attraction, my practitioner and I discovered that this issue was passed down from three different ancestral lines, three generations back.

We discussed one theory for same gender attraction, which we both feel inspired to be the cause for my issues. In at least three separate incidents, male progenitors of mine were sexually abused by another male. Even with being forced or coerced to engage in a sexual act, I imagine that there is or can be some degree of arousal or pleasure that the victim feels. The individual undergoes severe consequences because of the abuse, but can also wonder about his sexual orientation. Others become the abuser at a later date.

I will state that right now that I do not claim that this is the only reason for the creation of same gender attraction.

Through this balance, the emotional link via miasm was broken. This means that the negative belief has been removed and it not only breaks the emotion for me, but for all in my immediate and my extended family. This does not break habit, but only removes the emotional need caused by the miasm.

I have wondered if there has been any change in my two living uncles who are also same gender attracted. (I had one more, but he died of AIDS several years ago)

How has this changed me? Almost immediately I felt different. I felt that a large percentage of my same gender attraction burden was lifted from me. Perhaps I would say that maybe 70% of my sga was relieved and now I am only at 30%.

So, what of the other 30%? I am positive that I have more issues that revolve around my same gender attraction that I must overcome. I believe that I cause issues for myself in thinking too much about my situation and that negative beliefs are implanted into my psyche.

I fear that in stating that I can completely overcome my same sex attraction I might not experience it and then what state would I be in then? I am too scared to hope for the best because I don’t want my hope to be taken from me, now that I have gained it.

In any case, does it matter how much I have left? The important blessing that I have experienced is a long sought relief from the feelings that have left me at odds with myself and the gospel of Christ. I feel so wonderfully blessed from Brain Gym. I go as far as saying that the reason that Ginger and I felt inspired to move to where we are is because of the proximity that we have with our wonderful friend.

Going back to my feeling unworthy of my Ginger’s love: I had a balance on Saturday and I feel like a new man once again. Never in my experience with Brain Gym have I ever felt disappointment in a failed balance. In fact, when I turn it over to pure sleuthing, muscle testing to find out what the most important issue is to overcome in that stage of my life, I feel the most dramatic difference. It is like being reborn again and again, with a new view, and a new outlook to life. Heavy burdens that once seemed insurmountable are overcome in even as short as a few hours.

Do I believe that in the afterlife that same gender attraction will be removed from us? Definitely! No question in my mind. I know that this is a question for many who fear the worst, but as I have learned and progressed, I have come to realize how much change is possible, even where we expect it the least.

Do I believe that it can be overcome in this life? I really, truly believe that it is possible. The only things that keep us back from it are our lack of faith, and not having the tools.

I have learned in the blogging world that there are many views concerning this. I do not judge others for how they feel, but I do recognize when views are different from mine, and I feel the spirit bear witness confirming my testimony.

I am uplifted by many of you. You are true friends, and I hope that we will all remain true friends in this life, and that after this life, I look forward to experiencing complete relief to our challenges with each of you.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Verdict

Things have changed around my place a bit in the past week. You must have read my last post, so you know the situation leading up to the changes.

First, I have learned more about the love and acceptance that Ginger (my wife’s new pseudonym) has for me. She read my blog, and has communicated her concerns with me. I have learned that her love extends much farther than the small boundaries that I feared.

Despite the dishonesty that I have shown in spending private time online without her knowledge, she accepts my position online and as long as I am progressing positively in my life, than she has no issue with the continuation of me in the blogging world.

Ginger does not feel inclined to get involved, but she will check in from time to time under my login information to see what the blogging world is up to.

The important thing for her is that I maintain positive progression and that I not affiliate significantly with anyone that would encourage me in either word or example to compromise my positive development.

I felt that the progression that I have made thus far since the creation of my blog has been in self acceptance and feeling accepted by others.

If I had shared my challenges with others around me, I might experience acceptance from some, but with little understanding. Surely I would experience some fallout with some, which would be sad for me to experience.

Online I have been uplifted by others who not only accept me, but also understand the challenges that I face.

Now if I created my blog to gain acceptance in my life and I experience that acceptance in my life, then I ask myself, what now? Why would I continue to share my thoughts and feelings online? I don't feel that I am in any position to inspire or help others (though if that happens, bonus to whoever is uplifted), as I feel that I need to work on the uplifting of my own life.

I learn and grow as I read the posts of others that compartmentalize feelings and inclinations, and juxtapose them with gospel principles. As I read the enlightenment, or the questions of others, I question my motives and views and figure things out more fully.

I also read posts with discernment and am able to pick out truth and am able to recognize notions that will lead down the wrong path. In so doing I am able to create guidelines for my life and can check myself against my decisions to determine where I am at with my progression.

Of course there will be times when my resolve will falter and whether I decide to act upon my desires or not, it is my hope that my blogging experience will help me with my resolution.

My mission statement is to live my life in accordance with the commandments of God, and to magnify my calling as a patriarch and spiritual leader of my family. I believe that in putting off the natural man the atoning Sacrifice I can be absolved and will be able to return to live with God. I believe if I come unto God he will make my weaknesses stronger. Whether I experience same gender attraction or not, I will be able to live again with God, and that is my purpose of life.

[descension from soapbox]

Friday, January 16, 2009

New Beginning

Yesterday I got a text from my wife asking about the email address that I created when I started blogging.

I told her about my blog and why I started it, to journal my way through overcoming same gender attraction. Her reaction was positive, understanding the acceptance that I was looking for, though she felt that I should have gotten help in another form.

My wife’s main concern was the confirmation of trust issues in the past by not being forthcoming. These trust issues are the things that upset her the most, with me keeping my blog from her. I could have prevented this if I had shared my blog with her in the first place.

The jury is still out whether I will keep blogging or not, but I wanted to let you know that she knows now, in case I am not around for a while. She has full access to my blog and will be reading it, if she hasn’t done so already.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Why I Don't Blog

Obviously I haven't been posting lately, well, for over a month now. I do have excuses, like getting into finals, and then the holidays, but now that the holidays are over, I have been trying to determine why I have stopped blogging for now.

First, I have not told my wife about my blog yet, and if I continue to blog, then I feel uncomfortable, and perhaps I am trying to avoid blogging because then I 'don't really' have to bring it up with her.

But I really think that my main reason is that I really am not wanting to post. I don't know why, but I just don't want to, so I don't. I know that I made a lot of progression, but I need to think about the progression that I need to make, and decide whether or not blogging will be a part of that progression.

Anyway, if I am going to be spending any personal time in my life on something, at least for right now, I want it to include my wife and kids, and so is my choice. Of course you all accept that and will tell me to take my time, thanks in advance for your comments. Of course you will miss me (or maybe not, am I being dramatic?), and you will be happy when I return. Maybe I won't leave, or maybe I won't come back. I can't make any promises.

In any case, this is why I haven't been blogging.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Buttering Her Up and Getting Buttered Myself

When I decided to tell my wife about my blog, I felt that that I needed to prepare her for it. I knew that the basis of her future fear was that she was going to lose me, one way or another, so I wanted her to come from a place where she was confident with our relationship, so that when she counts back to when I first started my blog, that she would see that I wasn’t having any rendez-vous's [don't know how to make that plural] with other mohos to hook up, or that I wasn’t disconnecting from her and the family, or that I wasn’t drastically changing who I was to threaten our relationship.

So in the past few days I have been texting her during class and work times to let her know that I have been thinking about her. I have sent her love letters via email to remind her how I feel. I let her sleep in when I am home and get the kids ready for the day. I made her French toast today for brunch (yes, I admit, we forgot it was Fast Sunday) and served it to her on a breakfast tray as she worked on her Sunday School lesson on our bed. After the ward Christmas party we watched her favorite show, Ghost Whisperer while I made her a therapeutic foot soak and alternated in exfoliating her feet and then moisturizing, something that she LOVES having done.

I have returned every form of affection that she gives me (something that doesn’t always happen when I am not in the mood). I have given her neck rubs and foot rubs. I joke with her and play games with her and her siblings and we have fun. It’s a lot like we are in love, and we are.

After experiencing so much positivity, I sit on the fence about sharing my blog with her because I am still afraid of what it will do to our relationship. We feel so close, and I can’t wait until I am done with exams this week to be able to spend more time with her over the holidays.

A few years ago, she found out that I had a problem with porn, and it nearly destroyed us. She was so upset, and though I know that this isn’t the same, and that she only mentioned the word divorce in her first knee-jerk reactions and that it really wasn’t how she felt overall, I still fear that there will be some fallout over this.

I know that none of you can really know our situation without knowing my wife more. For the time I will continue to build our relationship, because I love it. I love her, and in redoubling my effort to love her I have fallen even more in love with her.

So if you will excuse me, I will now go cuddle with my wife.

P.S. Tonight when we were getting into bed (I am writing in bed on my laptop) I said that I had a really good idea for a free Christmas present that she could give me that I would love. I told her that she could let us switch the sides of the bed that we normally sleep on for a month. She laughed and then told me no way.

I have always slept on the left (when you are standing at the foot of the bed, facing the head of the bed, but recently I feel more comfortable on the other side, but she never lets me get away with actually sleeping there.

Is this something that any of you experience? What side do you all sleep on, and is there a male trend, or is it just blind habit?