Monday, November 24, 2008


I have been trying to bring myself to post this past week, but I can't force myself. I am not really sure why, except that I have been busy, but the truth of the matter is my heart is not into it.

Relations with my wife have been good. I feel that I am doing her a disservice by not sharing how we have been able to work through things, but we have. She is a wonderful woman, learning to handle the challenges my SGA throws her.

Anyway, I know that I wanted to stop posting, and I guess that I have, but I didn't want to commit to stop posting and continue. No false alarms here.

Maybe I am just tired of being dramatic and I part of my posting has made me feel that way, and so if I want to stop feeling that way I eased up on the posting. In any case, one way or another I just want to be normal.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Marital Relations III or Tired

Not much seems to be going my way. Work has been slower than what I need it to be, school is hard and I am behind, finances are more challenging than usual and my wife and I are going through hard times.

After last week things have been subdued between us, until last night when we discussed prop 8 and I shared my views. I stated that the rights of individuals cannot be restrained due to our beliefs. Her views are black and white, typical of blind Mormon faith.

It was a big fight that did not turn out well. She couldn’t believe that I would support gay rights when the church had done so much in promoting prop 8. She feels that I am ignoring latter day revelation from the prophet. I have never done much research into the proposal or reactions either way, and so I can’t debate my way around the subject very well. I shared my feelings which opposed those belonging to my wife and she rejects them.

The conversation ended with her hanging up on me, after stating that she questions whether or not I am a good father and example to our children. This is interpreted to me as her questioning our relationship and making a decision if she wants to remain with me. I felt what she was saying was ‘shape up or ship out’ or ‘my way or the highway.’ This is not a subject that we can agree to disagree on.

I was scheduled to stay at school yesterday, but after getting off the phone with her I drove home, reaching our house at about 1:30am. She told me how much she loved me and we cuddled in bed for the rest of the night. I was up at 6 am taking care of our 13 month old son who has the flu and then again to get the two oldest kids off to elementary school.

I came home and made my wife breakfast, where she brought up the subject again. She had read the Elder Oaks discussion on same gender attraction and again it is pretty black and white to her. She feels that I am in the first stages of apostasy and it scares her.

I understand how she feels, but I feel certain things too that she does not understand. I don’t think that she really wants to get into understanding that much either.

I feel that I am going to have to sit down and shut up and ever since then I have been very depressed. 3 double cheeseburger ranked depression [for all of you who are counting my calories I inform you that those three burgers were about all I had all day].

One of my greatest character flaws is that when I feel sorry for myself I dwell on it. It is almost like I want to feel hurt, like I deserve it or something. I don’t feel good when I feel this way, but there has to be some payoff by it.
I don’t know what to do, other to prove to her that I choose her in my life.

I feel like I should sit down and shut up. I feel like I have no worth of being loved as an individual by mortals or heavenly beings. Of course the intellectual portion of myself argues that but the emotional being understands and accepts it as truth.

I am not chronically or clinically depressed. I don’t need meds and I know that this too shall pass sometime. I pray for love and acceptance from both my Heavenly Father and from my wife. I wish that the second coming would just come and all of this would come to an end. I am not suicidal, but I do want this mortal experience to come to an end so I can have the supposed relief that Elder Oaks promises. I am really just tired and I don’t want to go on. I feel that I am out of hope for this life so I am moving on to perhaps the afterlife. Maybe there is hope there.

Is this a midlife crisis? Am I allowed to have one before I turn thirty, or is this just a precursor to something that will cause far greater pain than I can imagine?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Marital Relations, Part II

I feel so keyed up right now. Part of it is because of the liter of Orangina I drank tonight, with the bulk chocolate covered caramel wafer candy bars I bought at Walmart tonight as well. When will I ever learn that food doesn’t really make me feel better?

The time is now 12:23 am, and though I will be posting this the same day, I feel it important to set the stage for this post.

I don’t think that anyone is aware of this, but I go to school an hour and fifteen minutes away from my house. (I don’t know why people classify distance by time, but it is what we do.) In years past I have commuted daily, leaving bright and early to avoid traffic and get to my 8am classes on time. This year is different from previous years as my course load is heavier, and it is necessary for me to stay close to school, enabling me to spend extra time on schoolwork and not on driving. I spend 3 nights a week away from home, Thursday being the last night before I go home on the weekend.

Thursday night is my typical night to write my weekly essay for my ethics class that is due Fri at 9am. I will probably be staying up until 3am working on that after I am done here.

Surely you have read my previous post concerning the discussion I had with my wife where we discussed my ssa. I could almost count on one hand the times we have discussed my sexuality, as I have been very uncomfortable doing so with my wife. I stated earlier that I was probably able to do so because of my recent blogging that I have done, learning more about myself and others in my shoes.

I feel that over the past week I have gained more love and respect for myself than I probably gained in my whole life, including the time that I was on my mission. I have come to learn to love both sides of me, the good, and the ssa, which I don’t feel ashamed of any more.

And as I have said earlier, in light of my inability to communicate with my wife, I have been unfair to her by suddenly opening up to her about my sexuality.

I don’t expect much of her because of it. I can’t expect anything from her as she learns to adapt and decides how she is to feel about our situation.

Well tonight our conversation continued over the phone. We really never came to any conclusion from last night. I know that I was able to gain some important insight from what happened; I know that she needs to feel that I need and want her sexually, which I do. More importantly, that I want her more than I want to feel the feelings that I do.

I am sure that you understand where I am coming from her when I say that I hated who I was for so long, without really feeling outright hatred or disgust. I thought that I had good self esteem in high school, which paled in comparison of the self esteem that I gained from my mission and first years of marriage. I again can clearly see how I have learned more than I thought possible from myself in the past week.

I hated who I was because I thought that I was a bad person for being attracted to men. I was taught that homosexuality is deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord. And that is true. But I came to believe that I was deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord.

I felt that I could not be loved as an individual when I felt that my feeling the way that I was so wrong. How could I communicate more fully with my wife the challenges and situations that my homosexual feelings bring to my life when I felt in doing so would bring my ‘true nature’ to her sight? How could I make myself so vulnerable to the woman that I adore and cherish and put myself in a place where she could hate me as much as I hated me?

Well I couldn’t. Not until I learned to love myself, and come to the realization that I am not a terrible person.

We talked for over an hour, her sobbing because she feels so alone, that she can’t talk to anyone about how she feels.

This I understand, so clearly. I told her that an alcoholic can get up on the first Sunday of the month and talk about his struggles so openly, because being an alcoholic is more socially acceptable than being gay. He could talk about the challenges he has gone through and how the same challenges has drawn him closer to God as he has worked through putting off the natural man to become more like God.
But if I were to stand at the pulpit and do what Scott most recently did, coming out to the congregation and testifying how wonderful it is to have same gender attraction and deny myself of ungodliness and in turn draw closer to God, I would likely lose friends and become an outcast. This is because of how the church views homosexuality. Sexual sin is as emotionally terrible to mortals as proper sexuality is emotionally indescribable to mortals. That is just how we are made as human beings.

I can’t come up with a more concise comparison to homosexuality, and I feel that it is wrong to compare it to alcoholism. Homosexuality is not an addiction. I cannot think of another comparison to clearly state my idea. If you can, please share.

In the end, homosexual feelings aren’t a sexual sin, acting upon those feelings are. But as hard as it has been for me to compartmentalize these separate ideas, it is harder for church members to do the same, because they are taught that ‘being gay is bad.’


I was able to communicate this so clearly to my wife, and she understood me. She couldn’t resolve her feelings, and I accept that. It has taken me years to come to this understanding of myself; I can’t expect her to deal with as much in just a few hours.

I don’t expect her to understand why I would want to communicate with others with sga when I know that she believes that with a sustained effort these feelings will go away. I do not judge her for that, at least not right now. That is her belief system, which is liable to change with time and understanding as she gets to know the real me for the first time ever.

This blog is unknown to her. If I get the feeling that she does not want me to I might just leave the world of blogging and disappear from what I have become accustomed to in the past week.

I feel that I have learned and gained much in the time that I have been here. I feel that there is exponentially more positive growth possible with being here than not being here. I can see how some of the things that I have said might truly be inappropriate in her eyes, but that would be classified as being imperfect, mortal man that I am.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Marital Relations

Tonight I was doing some actual work on my laptop and my wife was sitting next to me on the couch folding laundry. She talked about an episode of Oprah today on a married couple that hasn’t had sex in years and was trying to change the situation. (For the record, this is not the state of my marriage, we have four kids 6 and under)

Anyway, both the husband and wife we asked to share a fantasy that they had about each other. My wife then asked me to share something like that with her. I was working at the time (which was nice not to have to give undivided attention) and I could not think of anything on the top of my mind. She kept waiting for an answer and after blogging experience, I was a little more comfortable to communicate a bit with her.

I said something to the effect that with my situation, my fantasies were different from other men in the fact that men were involved. I did my best to make it matter of fact, but I know she didn’t like it. I think that she was looking for something to confirm that I wanted to be with her sexually.

Anyway, she went to take a shower and I let her alone for a bit. I heard her crying and finally about 10 minutes later I joined her to reassure her.

My problem is that I have a hard time sharing this info with her, and so she is not used to it. In the past I when I have, her reactions made me more unwilling to share, and she does not want that to happen again, so she was trying not to react. We had a good talk, and in the end I needed to reassure her that she was my priority over my desires that I try to shun.

Later on I was on my laptop working on my blog and she came down (probably around 2am). I couldn’t click out fast enough. She was so upset that I would have this blog and keep it from her, and I knew that I had ruined our relationship again. She informed me that she did not want me staying at the house, or spending time with the kids.

I was so distraught, and so depressed. I couldn’t handle it.

And then I woke up.

I was lying in bed with her arms around me as she slept. It took me a few moments to realize that her coming downstairs was only a dream and nothing had happened. I had to calm down and tell myself that it was only a dream.

I am so glad that it was.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Checking In

I think that there are three types of moho’s out there. At one end of the spectrum we find those whom I would categorize myself with as one who has a firm testimony of the truth who works and tries to follow what is right, sometimes more diligent then at other times, but cannot deny the truth that he knows. If this moho was to decide to choose the wrong, he would knowingly commit sin, accepting responsibility for his actions.

At the other end of the spectrum, we find those who have been taught the truth, but in the process of temptation has changed his mind on what is right, losing a testimony or a belief in what was first taught as being correct, feeling that God would not punish acting on homosexual tendencies or being in a loving, actively sexual long-term relationship. This man chooses to live the active gay lifestyle and does not feel guilt because his paradigm or belief system has changed to incorporate homosexual behavior as righteousness.

In the middle we find many who are between the two, questioning his belief system, asking how could it be wrong when it feels so right. These are the men that have not yet decided what to do with how they feel. I used to be one of them, from the age of 5 to about 20, when I truly gained a firm, steadfast testimony of the gospel.

If I were to advise these men, I would give them the same advice that I gave my investigators on my mission:

I am not here to convince you that I am right. I do not have the power giving lasting conviction to any individual, even my children with whom I have the most influence over. I will not do that because I believe that it is ethically and morally wrong for one person to push another to live or abide by religious principles. That is the plan that Satan had before this life, and it is wrong.

All I can, all I want, and what I love to do is to share my belief system to others who wish to hear and let my words sink into their minds. Ponder over the things that I say and the feelings that you feel, and then take it to the Lord and ask if the things that I testify are true. If you believe that there is a supreme being that cares for you, then surely he wants you to be happy. He will let you know what plan is right, but be advised that the happiness that He has for you might not be the same happiness that you would like it to be.

Now to those who feel abandoned by God (and I am sure we have probably all felt that way at times, if not, let me know that you have never felt abandoned and I will learn at your feet in hopes to develop a closer relationship to God), I testify that He is still there, that His hand is outstretched still, waiting for you to seek for Him. Pray humbly, and sincerely, and I PROMISE that He will answer your prayers.

If you do not get this or any answer, of if the answer you get is opposite from what I have shared, then all I can do is trust that you have tried to the best of your ability to do as I advise. I warmly wish you well, with ‘bromancing’ hugs (thanks, Beck) and I hope that you do find the happiness that you are looking for.

If any of my three sons were gay, and decided to live that lifestyle against my beliefs or counsel, I would love and honor them, no matter what. I think that I have at least learned that from being sga and hoping for the same from other people, especially family members in my life. My children are most precious to me, and even if they committed the most heinous of crimes, though I would be disappointed, I would always love them and would always accept them back as the prodigal son. Sometimes I feel that this is the closest that I will get to becoming like my Heavenly Father in this life.