Monday, December 8, 2008

Buttering Her Up and Getting Buttered Myself

When I decided to tell my wife about my blog, I felt that that I needed to prepare her for it. I knew that the basis of her future fear was that she was going to lose me, one way or another, so I wanted her to come from a place where she was confident with our relationship, so that when she counts back to when I first started my blog, that she would see that I wasn’t having any rendez-vous's [don't know how to make that plural] with other mohos to hook up, or that I wasn’t disconnecting from her and the family, or that I wasn’t drastically changing who I was to threaten our relationship.

So in the past few days I have been texting her during class and work times to let her know that I have been thinking about her. I have sent her love letters via email to remind her how I feel. I let her sleep in when I am home and get the kids ready for the day. I made her French toast today for brunch (yes, I admit, we forgot it was Fast Sunday) and served it to her on a breakfast tray as she worked on her Sunday School lesson on our bed. After the ward Christmas party we watched her favorite show, Ghost Whisperer while I made her a therapeutic foot soak and alternated in exfoliating her feet and then moisturizing, something that she LOVES having done.

I have returned every form of affection that she gives me (something that doesn’t always happen when I am not in the mood). I have given her neck rubs and foot rubs. I joke with her and play games with her and her siblings and we have fun. It’s a lot like we are in love, and we are.

After experiencing so much positivity, I sit on the fence about sharing my blog with her because I am still afraid of what it will do to our relationship. We feel so close, and I can’t wait until I am done with exams this week to be able to spend more time with her over the holidays.

A few years ago, she found out that I had a problem with porn, and it nearly destroyed us. She was so upset, and though I know that this isn’t the same, and that she only mentioned the word divorce in her first knee-jerk reactions and that it really wasn’t how she felt overall, I still fear that there will be some fallout over this.

I know that none of you can really know our situation without knowing my wife more. For the time I will continue to build our relationship, because I love it. I love her, and in redoubling my effort to love her I have fallen even more in love with her.

So if you will excuse me, I will now go cuddle with my wife.

P.S. Tonight when we were getting into bed (I am writing in bed on my laptop) I said that I had a really good idea for a free Christmas present that she could give me that I would love. I told her that she could let us switch the sides of the bed that we normally sleep on for a month. She laughed and then told me no way.

I have always slept on the left (when you are standing at the foot of the bed, facing the head of the bed, but recently I feel more comfortable on the other side, but she never lets me get away with actually sleeping there.

Is this something that any of you experience? What side do you all sleep on, and is there a male trend, or is it just blind habit?

Sunday, December 7, 2008

On a Sweeter Note -- Egg Nog Meringue

We had a bunch of egg whites left over from making custard for our english trifle that we were making for Sunday dinner today and I googled some uses for them and decided to make meringues.

Preheat the oven to 275F
2 egg whites
1/3 cup icing sugar
2 tsp vanilla
3 drops egg nog flavoring (available at candy making stores, try something else if you don't have this kind, and let me know how it turns out)

While this isn't the recipe that I found (I modified it) I would have to say that the outcome is incredible!

Beat the egg whites until they form stiff peaks, but not until they are too dry. Gradually mix in the sugar. Stir in the vanilla and flavoring.

Pipe or spoon the mixture onto a cookie sheet and cook for 25-30 minutes. Cool and enjoy.

They really are amazing, and I don't even like meringue.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why I Idolize Scott and Sarah

A few weeks ago I had a big fight with my wife over prop 8 and about gay rights (see past post). Not getting too far into it, I felt that even homosexuals should be able to have certain things that my wife did not think they should have.

I felt totally rejected, especially when she questioned my spirituality as a result of it, and the ability that I was giving up in being a spiritual patriarch to my family. My heart was broken, because I had just entered into the blogging family and for the first time in my life, I had been accepted with my darkest secret.

I knew that I had grown some, and that my wife had not. I know that it would be unfair for her for me to expect anything more than the support she was already providing me, knowing about my SSA.

That realization did not erase from me the feelings of rejection and a desire from being accepted from my wife, just as a true understanding of the plan of salvation does not erase homosexual desires from our hearts.

It was at that time that I entered a deep depression that lasted only for a day or so. I couldn't talk or be with my wife. My schoolwork suffered and though I never have seriously considered suicide at any time of my life, the suicidal thoughts came to me as they sometimes do. I was literally a mess and it scared the crap out of my wife while I repeatedly ignored call after immediate call from her, only sending texts in reply that I couldn't talk to her in the state that I was in.

She eventually gave up around midnight, after a couple of hours of trying to communicate with me. I crashed into sleep, emotionally exhausted from the depression that I had felt.

The next morning I awoke with the morning-after depression, just like the sadness you wake up with after having a big fight the night before with your spouse. I knew that no resolution was made, but I contacted my wife to let her know that I was awake and going to classes. (I go to school an hour away from home, often staying at school in a rented room in someone’s house)

She immediately started sobbing, because all night she had worried if I was going to kill myself because of how depressed I was and how I wouldn’t talk to her. She has these fears based on a loved one in her family that has been suicidal in the past, nearly going through with it a few times, the last of which we together rescued this person in the act.


Since then, we have been better, though we haven’t really revisited the conversation; I think we are too afraid to go down that road, as it was clear that we couldn’t amicably agree to disagree.

For the record, my wife did seek counsel from a friend that we call our ‘therapist,’ a grandmotherly Brain Gym practitioner who has helped us overcome emotional issues for as long as we have been together. This really should become a future post, but I can confidently say that through this I have become a remarkably different person, a complete 180 in some respects, and that I know without a doubt that without Brain Gym I would not be where I am today.

Back to the story. At this time I discovered Sarah’s blog and started reading it. For the first time I had hope for a better relationship with my wife, and it was because I knew that Scott and Sarah had theirs. I didn’t believe that I could have a more open relationship with my wife, but after reading Sarah’s blog, I knew that it is possible.

I knew that my wife loved me, with all of her heart, and that she would do anything that she is capable of to love and support me. I don’t know how long it will take, but I knew then that it was possible.

It is because of Scott and Sarah that I want to introduce my loving, caring, beautiful wife to my blog. I fear her fears, and I am doing what I can to prepare her for a smooth introduction. I am being patient, I don’t think that I could just drop it on her out of the blue, but it is the center of my prayers right now.

So perhaps I do idolize Scott and Sarah, probably more than they think that I should, but at the risk of sounding dramatic (which I loathe, even though I still am at times), I do feel that they were able to do something that nobody in existence could have done for me a the time.

Ugh! That did sound really dramatic. Excuse me while I am shamefully embarrassed by the truth of how I feel.

In the end, I think that my situation will be different from theirs, in that I think that there is no way that I would ever come out openly to the ward and others, but I do with to be more open with myself, my wife and a few other loved ones now that I more fully love myself.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

How I Met My Wife

I love my wife. We met 10 years ago this month in the mission field when we were both serving, though no feelings arose until 6 months after I returned home.

I had a girlfriend wait for me, though there was a bit of a break up somewhere around my halfway mark. I returned home a changed man from when I left. Before I was ok spiritually and very boisterous, when I returned I felt like a spiritual giant and more straight-laced.

My biggest issues with dating when I got home was that no girl recognized the spirituality that I had gained [except for my family, who didn’t value it]. I wanted to live a different, more spiritual life than those that I had been friends with before my mission, but nobody I knew was interested in living more spiritually. I had changed for the better, but my girlfriend changed not for the better, even though she had gone through the temple a few weeks before my return, preparing herself to be more ready to get married to me. She was seriously ready for marriage.

When I got home we went on a few dates before I was to move away for school. I was affectionate with her, but we didn’t kiss. I didn’t want to get too involved unless it was for the long run. The Saturday before I was moving to school we went out, and at the end of the date I was dropping her off at her house when she said that she wanted to talk. We had been out visiting her married friends whom she had confided in that she didn’t know what our relationship was any more.

They advised her to take initiative and kiss me, getting me to react and make a choice.

Wait, isn’t there a Cher song about that?

Anyway, I felt that I was going to be rude if I didn’t kiss her back, so I did. Unfortunately she was kissing aggressively and, well, you get the picture.

It felt so good, and I got too involved with it. I rationalized it away, perhaps partly because I was happy that my body responded the way that it did.

It was really early in the morning at this point and I crashed on her couch, her kneeling at my side, falling asleep across my chest. In the morning I knew that I had done something terribly wrong. How was I going to get out of this one? I knew that she wasn’t the one that I wanted to marry and I had led her on.

I was a terrible communicator at that time, and when I moved away, I broke up with her in an email and (ouch) said that though I didn’t want to close the lines of communication I wasn’t ready to talk to her on the phone. I knew that I would make things worse that way.

Well, it did not go over well, it was a disaster!! She was so angry with me, sending back all communication that I had sent her over email calling me a liar for saying all of the positive things that I did about our relationship.

What I haven’t mentioned yet was that before I met her she had tried to commit suicide. Now, I had caused great turmoil in her life and I was afraid that she was going to try to commit suicide again.

She went off the deep end, and went on a weekend getaway with her temple-married boss and though I don’t know the details, she had definitely fooled around with him. She had become inactive and her mother was furious with me.

You see, all of this time, her mother had been a big advocate of us getting together, and had a history of getting too involved in her daughter’s life. In fact, her husband made her promise not to write me on my mission, which she did anyway, getting me to promise not to say anything to her daughter. I tallied up the letters that I had received and I got just as many, if not more letters from the mom as I did from my girlfriend.

So her mom called my mom, accusing me of ruining her daughter’s life, to which my mother called her on the letters that she had sent me, telling her that she was building her up to marry me right when I got home.

I really don’t know why I am sharing all of this about my ex, it really isn’t about her. However, I do believe that going through that relationship led me to my beautiful and loving wife.

During this drama, I started chatting with my wife. It started one day at the end of November where I was chatting with an old companion with whom she had just broken up with. She had logged on and we were all chatting for a bit before he had to go, leaving us alone in the chat room.

Neither of us wanted to continue chatting as we were busy, but we were both too polite to say so and so we started to get to know each other.

We hit it off right away. I shared the challenges that I was having with my ex and she was really supportive of me. She recognized the spirituality that I had and appreciated it. That was enough to get my attention.

After a few days of chatting for several hours and long distance phone calls, I knew we were going to get married.

To make a long story short, we arranged for me to fly up to meet her the day after Christmas. Before I went home, two weeks later, we were engaged and we got married in April.

(I am leaving out many details of our engagement, obviously, leaving them for a later post)

My wife is one of the greatest blessings given to me. She is loving, supportive and encourages me to be a better person. There are times (as you have seen in previous posts) where we have our challenges (who doesn’t, in our situation [Okay, Scott and Sarah seem to be pretty perfect]).

I would never give up my family to live according to my SSA. Though I am tempted with desires that do not coincide with my goals, I could never leave them.

Lately things have been very good with my wife. We haven’t really discussed SSA or prop 8 since we had our issues, but I know that she still loves me more than ever, as I do with her.

I don’t think that I want to keep my blog from her any longer. I know that she will feel hurt that I have kept this from her, but when she starts reading my posts I hope that she will one day know that this is a positive influence in my life.

I ask you, fellow Moho’s, how should I break my blog to her? I don’t think that I want it to be a matter of just telling her. I want her to realize that I love her more than ever, and that I choose her more than ever so she doesn’t feel threatened by our blogging family. Of course, I know that Sarah will be great for my wife, providing that my wife is willing to get involved. Its not that I want my wife to start a blog too; I just want her to know this part of me, and be able to trust me more than before.

Really, my greatest goal is to grow closer to my wife, and have her love, respect and even appreciate this part of my life. I hope that she is able to do so.