Friday, January 16, 2009

New Beginning

Yesterday I got a text from my wife asking about the email address that I created when I started blogging.

I told her about my blog and why I started it, to journal my way through overcoming same gender attraction. Her reaction was positive, understanding the acceptance that I was looking for, though she felt that I should have gotten help in another form.

My wife’s main concern was the confirmation of trust issues in the past by not being forthcoming. These trust issues are the things that upset her the most, with me keeping my blog from her. I could have prevented this if I had shared my blog with her in the first place.

The jury is still out whether I will keep blogging or not, but I wanted to let you know that she knows now, in case I am not around for a while. She has full access to my blog and will be reading it, if she hasn’t done so already.


Kengo Biddles said...

If your wife wants to talk to another wife, she can e-mail my wife at her gmail address: mrsbiddles

Miki went through the same thing when I showed her my first blog. Hopefully this honesty will help allay her trust concerns. It helped Miki.

Beck said...

For this reason I continue to keep my blog from my wife even though I'm getting closer to tell her about it... but now that it's been going on for so long, the trust issue becomes a huge factor.

The lack of trust is in the self-doubting that comes from past mistrust and past confusion over what it means to be "gay". Not placing blame, but if this weren't such a "dispicable" and "shameful" subject to deal with I wouldn't be dealing with it alone.

Blogging has helped me to come to terms with who I am and to love myself for who I am and to not self-loathe or self-hate, which is what I was doing before blogging. If blogging has helped me to come to terms with this one aspect, and help me to reach out and be closer to my wife and give me the confidence to share with her my new understandings and appreciations for her, for our marriage, for each other, in spite of and because of who I am, then all the better.

I hope your wife can see the goodness in this community and to not judge you too harshly over the "trust" issue. This is hard enough without that issue as well.

Best wishes and lots of love and prayers...

Sarah said...
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Sarah said...

Dear Mike's Wife,

Welcome to what some of us call the "queerosphere". I would like to introduce myself. I am 35 years old, active LDS, straight, and have been married to a gay man for 13 years. We have 4 children ages 3 to 12. My husband Scott just came out to me in July, and our marriage is better than ever as we have learned to communicate with each other about everything.

One of the best things for both me and my husband has been blogging. We just get all of our feelings out, mostly for our own benefit, and then we find out that others benefit from them, too. I believe God has inspired me several times to know what to blog about because someone else needed to read it at the time. My blog is also nice for when there is something that I want to talk to Scott about but am having a hard time telling him face-to-face. It allows me to get it off my chest, and then it opens up the way for an open discussion.

I knew about Scott's blog the day after he came out to me, but he would not let me read it at first. It was his way to be the real him in every way, and he wasn't sure he was ready to let me see everything yet. After a while, though, he decided to let me. Some of his posts were hard for me to read, but they were so important to helping me understand exactly how he was feeling so that I could learn to accept every bit of who he is.

Anyway, this comment is getting way too long, but feel free to read my blog or email me any time. (They are listed in my profile.) Warning: as you begin to read these blogs, you might relate to a lot of the heartache and it could be a very emotional process. Don't give up on it because it is hard. It is all part of a journey of healing.

All my love to you and yours at this time!


Scott said...

Mike, I'm glad things are out in the open now. I know you've been wanting to share your blog with your wife for a while now, and even if it didn't happen exactly like you planned, I think it's a good thing.

I hope that your wife will not limit herself to reading your blog--Sarah and I have both learned a lot from other bloggers and really appreciate the community and the friendships we've formed. One resource that might be of particular interest is the section of blog posts by and about straight spouses on Northern Lights. There are several interviews with straight spouses that might help her to see how others are handling situations similar to hers.

And, like Sarah said, she and I are more than happy to be available to talk (or listen) if you or your wife needs it.

Good luck!

Rex said...

Did you know that wives reading email, blogs, and other ventures into your personal life is not effective in building trust? I recommend that you and your wife check out the following blog post at LDSR (Latter-day Sesxual Recovery) called, Rebuilding Trust. Dr. Chamberlain, who wrote it, is well-recognized in LDS circles as an expert on sexual addiction recovery. - Rex

Mike said...


When I was first reading the article you referred me to I felt that it didn't apply to our situation, as I know that my wife is not like that.

Then as I read on, my eyes were opened by the way that Spencer had turned to the Lord.

I realized then, that though I am not in Spencer's situation, that turning to God is exactly what I need to do to build up trust with my wife. I hope that I am able to do that.

Today my wife said that she wanted me to focus on the positive things in my life, instead of dwelling on my shortcomings all of the time, [making me feel like I am the sum of the weaknesses in my life and not the sum of my strengths].

After communicating with my wife, and reading this article, I love my wife even more, remembering again why I married her. I did so because of her unique spirituality (really there was more, but this was a huge part of it).

I know that in order to overcome ssa, or not live that way in body and spirit, or whichever way we term putting off the natural man, I need to do just that: put off the natural man.

Thank you for sending me that article, and thank you, honey, for your love, support and forgiveness that you show to me. I love you.

Rex said...

MIke, that's great! We all need to turn to the Lord. Even though my situation doesn't match Spencer's in Dr. Chamberlain's article, the need to turn to the Lord is universal. A lot of other things in that article are also universal, like the fact that the trust isn't built by checking up.

That's not to say that accountability isn't important. I have presented at Evergreen conferences a few times. One time, my wife and I were scheduled to do a panel discussion for wives to answer questions from a box. My wife couldn't make it, but I went anyway. I shared the panel with the wife of Alan Medinger, who wrote, "Journey Into Manhood." Probably the most-asked question was something like this:

"I keep a close eye on my husband's internet activity. I examine his cell-phone bills. I check up on his whereabouts when he isn't home. But I still don't know if he's doing right. What do I do?"

After a lot of advice, I said, "You can't know if he's doing right. But God knows. Why don't you ask Him?"

Mrs. Medinger, an evangelicl Christian, gave a hearty Amen to that. So, it's not just you, Mike, that needs to turn to the Lord. Your wife does too.

Alan said...

Dear Mrs. Mike:

Your husband is an awesome guy who truly loves you. He could have made lots of choices in his life but he chose to marry you and make a family with you. I know that's what he wants more than anything else.

Now that he's shared this part of his life with you, I hope you'll see even more what a great guy you've got. This isn't an easy thing for anyone to deal with and he's trusted you with a lot, made himself very vulnerable to you. That should tell you how much he loves you. He's a keeper.

You've gotten some great advice from the other commenters here which I can't really improve on. I just wanted to say hello, welcome, and be assured there's a whole virtual family here for you to be part of as you and Mike continue on together thought this great and strange and challenging and wonderful adventure called life.

Heather said...

If your wife ever wants someone to talk to, give her my email address:

It is a lot tougher for us wives to find good support online. There are enough things out there ripping families apart. I don't need one more thing to add to that.

Sarah said...

Heather, I've been trying to get a bunch of us together online for several months now! I am glad that it is finally happening.

I will go look you up!