My hope in this journaling is to distance myself from my feelings of same gender attraction and getting proper encouragement from others like me that are out there. Writing about this helps me to keep a proper spiritual perspective.
I want to be a stronger individual and I hope that by writing down my feelings I can grow to love myself, something that I have learned that is not the case.
I hate who I am, and for the way that I feel. I wish that I were born normal and that it would be easier to live my life in the gospel.
I hope that I can gain greater insight by writing my feelings here.
7 comments:
Don't worry about finding the right person through blogging. My experience has been that this is a great community with lots of interconnections. There are those who are single and active in the Church, there are those who are single and less active, and those who have left the Church all together. And, there are the married guys (and gals) who fall into those categories and more as well - many different combinations of those general categories.
If you just write what you need to write - your "musings", people will come and you will find those that you'll connect with in a safe and supportive way. I find that being honest and real is the key to successful blogging. Sometimes being real makes you feel vulnerable and stupid (believe me I am both), but it is through that vulnerability and reality that meaningful communication and support comes from others.
Also, commenting on other blogs helps you to know others and be "involved" in the community. I call it a community because that is how I feel about it - mostly guys who feel these feelings that we have in common, with a common spirituality and background uniting us together. Again, there isn't one path for all, but I've found one attitude within this group - and it is undoubtedly one of love and support for each other.
Good luck in your "musings".
As for your question of why we, who are married with children, are so easily drawn to an attraction that will take us so readily away from them and indulge in the flesh?
That's been the central question of my life!
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm constantly desiring to "know" for myself what I crave and long to embrace and because of years of ignoring and starving that craving, it sometimes gets too much to resist, even in the face of losing all that is precious and dear (family, wife, kids, Gospel). Nothing else matters at that moment...
But, for me, it is the very thought of those kids and my wife that keeps me in perspective and not so "readily indulging in the lusts of the flesh".
Mike, I have had to be a bit careful about some of the blogs I read. I choose to follow ones that are trying hard to keep the faith. I understand those who succumb and follow the gay lifestyle, I just can't go there, because I have been there. I need to be uplifted and strengthened by my blog family. I have a hard time following some of the young RM's that are struggling to decide what direction to go. It just tears me apart. I internalize their pain and it draws me down. I follow a few because I have come to love them, but not I have to stay away from most.
It helps me to belong to those who have taken the marriage path and, though they struggle, find happiness in their families. I agree with Beck about being authentic in your posts. This is one place where you can be you. If you are having a tough time, you can express it and others will reach out to you. If you are feeling strong and have a spiritual experience, share it and bless the lives of others.
As to why it seems that we can so easily turn away from that which makes us most happy for sensuality, I can only speak for myself. I have photos of my family taped on my computer screen, yet can look past them in moments of strong temptation. I think is because sometimes the flesh is weak. We come to earth to get a body and then spend the rest of our earthly existence trying to overcome it, to submit the flesh to our eternal spirits. It is a constant battle.
One way blogging has blessed me, in addition to finding a community that understands me, is that it occupies the time that I used to use going where I shouldn't. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for you and your contributions.
Beck, thank you for your friendship. I really feel blessed to hear your thoughts. I wish that I could come up with some added insight to what you have said, but I can't. I think that you have stated it too well to argue.
Mike:
I read every one of John Galt's blog entries too, amazed at the number of things in his personality and experience I could identify with (though I have not acted as he did). As you know, it's a huge sense of relief to discover there are others like you, and I think it's easy to confer credibility on other MoHo bloggers just because they've been at it longer than you have.
But remember, just like words in a book aren't guaranteed to be true just because they're printed, words on a blog aren't guaranteed to be true or insightful or helpful just because they're on the screen (except for mine, of course, LOL). Back of all the fancy graphics and comments are just guys who struggle with life's challenges like you do, and who make a variety of choices along the way, some good, some bad.
Beck's right. Focus on just being yourself in your posts. Who a person is, their real heart and spirit, will show through the words. The Doc. & Cov. says truth clings to truth, light to light. Let your real self shine through and if the desires of your heart are good, then despite your struggles you will find yourself surrounded and supported by those who want the same good things as you do. Isn't that why we're all here?
As to your last question, I think the answer is simple. For those of us who have faith and a testimony, mortality is a never-ending exercise in the spirit learning to rule the flesh, in finding the right balance between the two. We all get tired sometimes, and we all stumble. But as I've said before, our location on the path at any given time is not as important as the direction we're headed. The ones who make it are the ones who get up every time they fall and who keep heading in the right direction. Eventually the Savior comes, picks them up, and carries them the rest of the way. He said He wouldn't leave us comfortless, and He won't.
Welcome brother.
mike, you make an interesting point in that, you hope to, by blogging, distance yourself from some of the feelings you have been experiencing. for what it's worth, i tried that for a long time and it has yet to work for me. instead, what i find helps me the most, being able to look at my life as a whole and working to find the best way to "integrate" all of the feelings and experiences that make up my life. knowing how wrong my lustful desires, and even prior actions, are in regards to god's plan can really get a person down. instead of allowing myself to be driven down from these things, i have worked to figure out the best solution to living with this life that is mine and making the best from my experiences. when i try to distance myself from the feelings that always seem to keep coming back, they seem to almost build, and build until they're so incredibly strong and powerful that resisting them seems that much harder. if i instead try to figure out the best way to "live through the experience", following god's plan and staying close to those that support me, i find i have much better success in my efforts to choose to choose the right ;)
I know for myself the times I have the feelings is because I'm not at my most emotionally mature (and yes, it fluctuates from day to day and week to week).
I think that finding a way to get the feelings out in the open where you can examine them and see just how much you love your family compared to this desire to do something else, and put it in perspective.
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