Monday, January 19, 2009

The Verdict

Things have changed around my place a bit in the past week. You must have read my last post, so you know the situation leading up to the changes.

First, I have learned more about the love and acceptance that Ginger (my wife’s new pseudonym) has for me. She read my blog, and has communicated her concerns with me. I have learned that her love extends much farther than the small boundaries that I feared.

Despite the dishonesty that I have shown in spending private time online without her knowledge, she accepts my position online and as long as I am progressing positively in my life, than she has no issue with the continuation of me in the blogging world.

Ginger does not feel inclined to get involved, but she will check in from time to time under my login information to see what the blogging world is up to.

The important thing for her is that I maintain positive progression and that I not affiliate significantly with anyone that would encourage me in either word or example to compromise my positive development.

I felt that the progression that I have made thus far since the creation of my blog has been in self acceptance and feeling accepted by others.

If I had shared my challenges with others around me, I might experience acceptance from some, but with little understanding. Surely I would experience some fallout with some, which would be sad for me to experience.

Online I have been uplifted by others who not only accept me, but also understand the challenges that I face.

Now if I created my blog to gain acceptance in my life and I experience that acceptance in my life, then I ask myself, what now? Why would I continue to share my thoughts and feelings online? I don't feel that I am in any position to inspire or help others (though if that happens, bonus to whoever is uplifted), as I feel that I need to work on the uplifting of my own life.

I learn and grow as I read the posts of others that compartmentalize feelings and inclinations, and juxtapose them with gospel principles. As I read the enlightenment, or the questions of others, I question my motives and views and figure things out more fully.

I also read posts with discernment and am able to pick out truth and am able to recognize notions that will lead down the wrong path. In so doing I am able to create guidelines for my life and can check myself against my decisions to determine where I am at with my progression.

Of course there will be times when my resolve will falter and whether I decide to act upon my desires or not, it is my hope that my blogging experience will help me with my resolution.

My mission statement is to live my life in accordance with the commandments of God, and to magnify my calling as a patriarch and spiritual leader of my family. I believe that in putting off the natural man the atoning Sacrifice I can be absolved and will be able to return to live with God. I believe if I come unto God he will make my weaknesses stronger. Whether I experience same gender attraction or not, I will be able to live again with God, and that is my purpose of life.

[descension from soapbox]


Beck said...

"I have learned that her love extends much farther than the small boundaries that I feared."

This makes me ponder the level of love our spouses have beyond or comprehension. The limiting factor, I fear, is fear of self. I find this reaction that you've received from "Ginger" as an inspiration and hope you see it as being helpful to others. Whether you accept it or not, that helpful nature is a great part of this blogging community.

And helping each other in common resolves is crutial.

Thanks for sharing the "verdict". Thanks to your wife for understanding what this is all about.

Bravone said...

Mike, I am so happy for you and so grateful for your wife. You both must be incredible people to want to work through this together.

Why continue blogging? You can continue to use it as a safe place to express your feelings when needed and you can lift and inspire others.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

Sarah said...

I'm glad things are going well. We are always here if either of you need any support. And Beck is right, many of us have learned from you as well. Feel free to continue sharing your thoughts and experiences if you feel inclined. If nothing else, it is nice to have you check in once in a while so we know how you are doing.

Take care!

Hidden said...

Do not ever doubt your ability to impact and inspire others. Just by BEING you radiate an influence that can help and lift others.

That presence translates into blogger world as well. You may be helping countless people who do not make themselves known readily to you.

I will step out of the shadows of passive reader and say thank you for your blog and posts in the hopes that you continue.

Alan said...

Congratulations Mike and please pass on my compliments to your wife. She is inspiring.

This benchmark now passed, you should continue blogging for all the reasons stated above. You're no longer a freshman, you have moved up in the class ranks. Your blog is now less a tool of catharsis for you and more your fulfillment of greater responsibility to reach out a steadying hand of encouragement and support to others. It's a big chain and you're no longer an end link.