I feel so keyed up right now. Part of it is because of the liter of Orangina I drank tonight, with the bulk chocolate covered caramel wafer candy bars I bought at Walmart tonight as well. When will I ever learn that food doesn’t really make me feel better?
The time is now 12:23 am, and though I will be posting this the same day, I feel it important to set the stage for this post.
I don’t think that anyone is aware of this, but I go to school an hour and fifteen minutes away from my house. (I don’t know why people classify distance by time, but it is what we do.) In years past I have commuted daily, leaving bright and early to avoid traffic and get to my 8am classes on time. This year is different from previous years as my course load is heavier, and it is necessary for me to stay close to school, enabling me to spend extra time on schoolwork and not on driving. I spend 3 nights a week away from home, Thursday being the last night before I go home on the weekend.
Thursday night is my typical night to write my weekly essay for my ethics class that is due Fri at 9am. I will probably be staying up until 3am working on that after I am done here.
Surely you have read my previous post concerning the discussion I had with my wife where we discussed my ssa. I could almost count on one hand the times we have discussed my sexuality, as I have been very uncomfortable doing so with my wife. I stated earlier that I was probably able to do so because of my recent blogging that I have done, learning more about myself and others in my shoes.
I feel that over the past week I have gained more love and respect for myself than I probably gained in my whole life, including the time that I was on my mission. I have come to learn to love both sides of me, the good, and the ssa, which I don’t feel ashamed of any more.
And as I have said earlier, in light of my inability to communicate with my wife, I have been unfair to her by suddenly opening up to her about my sexuality.
I don’t expect much of her because of it. I can’t expect anything from her as she learns to adapt and decides how she is to feel about our situation.
Well tonight our conversation continued over the phone. We really never came to any conclusion from last night. I know that I was able to gain some important insight from what happened; I know that she needs to feel that I need and want her sexually, which I do. More importantly, that I want her more than I want to feel the feelings that I do.
I am sure that you understand where I am coming from her when I say that I hated who I was for so long, without really feeling outright hatred or disgust. I thought that I had good self esteem in high school, which paled in comparison of the self esteem that I gained from my mission and first years of marriage. I again can clearly see how I have learned more than I thought possible from myself in the past week.
I hated who I was because I thought that I was a bad person for being attracted to men. I was taught that homosexuality is deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord. And that is true. But I came to believe that I was deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord.
I felt that I could not be loved as an individual when I felt that my feeling the way that I was so wrong. How could I communicate more fully with my wife the challenges and situations that my homosexual feelings bring to my life when I felt in doing so would bring my ‘true nature’ to her sight? How could I make myself so vulnerable to the woman that I adore and cherish and put myself in a place where she could hate me as much as I hated me?
Well I couldn’t. Not until I learned to love myself, and come to the realization that I am not a terrible person.
We talked for over an hour, her sobbing because she feels so alone, that she can’t talk to anyone about how she feels.
This I understand, so clearly. I told her that an alcoholic can get up on the first Sunday of the month and talk about his struggles so openly, because being an alcoholic is more socially acceptable than being gay. He could talk about the challenges he has gone through and how the same challenges has drawn him closer to God as he has worked through putting off the natural man to become more like God.
But if I were to stand at the pulpit and do what Scott most recently did, coming out to the congregation and testifying how wonderful it is to have same gender attraction and deny myself of ungodliness and in turn draw closer to God, I would likely lose friends and become an outcast. This is because of how the church views homosexuality. Sexual sin is as emotionally terrible to mortals as proper sexuality is emotionally indescribable to mortals. That is just how we are made as human beings.
I can’t come up with a more concise comparison to homosexuality, and I feel that it is wrong to compare it to alcoholism. Homosexuality is not an addiction. I cannot think of another comparison to clearly state my idea. If you can, please share.
In the end, homosexual feelings aren’t a sexual sin, acting upon those feelings are. But as hard as it has been for me to compartmentalize these separate ideas, it is harder for church members to do the same, because they are taught that ‘being gay is bad.’
I was able to communicate this so clearly to my wife, and she understood me. She couldn’t resolve her feelings, and I accept that. It has taken me years to come to this understanding of myself; I can’t expect her to deal with as much in just a few hours.
I don’t expect her to understand why I would want to communicate with others with sga when I know that she believes that with a sustained effort these feelings will go away. I do not judge her for that, at least not right now. That is her belief system, which is liable to change with time and understanding as she gets to know the real me for the first time ever.
This blog is unknown to her. If I get the feeling that she does not want me to I might just leave the world of blogging and disappear from what I have become accustomed to in the past week.
I feel that I have learned and gained much in the time that I have been here. I feel that there is exponentially more positive growth possible with being here than not being here. I can see how some of the things that I have said might truly be inappropriate in her eyes, but that would be classified as being imperfect, mortal man that I am.