I feel so keyed up right now. Part of it is because of the liter of Orangina I drank tonight, with the bulk chocolate covered caramel wafer candy bars I bought at Walmart tonight as well. When will I ever learn that food doesn’t really make me feel better?
The time is now 12:23 am, and though I will be posting this the same day, I feel it important to set the stage for this post.
I don’t think that anyone is aware of this, but I go to school an hour and fifteen minutes away from my house. (I don’t know why people classify distance by time, but it is what we do.) In years past I have commuted daily, leaving bright and early to avoid traffic and get to my 8am classes on time. This year is different from previous years as my course load is heavier, and it is necessary for me to stay close to school, enabling me to spend extra time on schoolwork and not on driving. I spend 3 nights a week away from home, Thursday being the last night before I go home on the weekend.
Thursday night is my typical night to write my weekly essay for my ethics class that is due Fri at 9am. I will probably be staying up until 3am working on that after I am done here.
Surely you have read my previous post concerning the discussion I had with my wife where we discussed my ssa. I could almost count on one hand the times we have discussed my sexuality, as I have been very uncomfortable doing so with my wife. I stated earlier that I was probably able to do so because of my recent blogging that I have done, learning more about myself and others in my shoes.
I feel that over the past week I have gained more love and respect for myself than I probably gained in my whole life, including the time that I was on my mission. I have come to learn to love both sides of me, the good, and the ssa, which I don’t feel ashamed of any more.
And as I have said earlier, in light of my inability to communicate with my wife, I have been unfair to her by suddenly opening up to her about my sexuality.
I don’t expect much of her because of it. I can’t expect anything from her as she learns to adapt and decides how she is to feel about our situation.
Well tonight our conversation continued over the phone. We really never came to any conclusion from last night. I know that I was able to gain some important insight from what happened; I know that she needs to feel that I need and want her sexually, which I do. More importantly, that I want her more than I want to feel the feelings that I do.
I am sure that you understand where I am coming from her when I say that I hated who I was for so long, without really feeling outright hatred or disgust. I thought that I had good self esteem in high school, which paled in comparison of the self esteem that I gained from my mission and first years of marriage. I again can clearly see how I have learned more than I thought possible from myself in the past week.
I hated who I was because I thought that I was a bad person for being attracted to men. I was taught that homosexuality is deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord. And that is true. But I came to believe that I was deviant and morally wrong in sight of the Lord.
I felt that I could not be loved as an individual when I felt that my feeling the way that I was so wrong. How could I communicate more fully with my wife the challenges and situations that my homosexual feelings bring to my life when I felt in doing so would bring my ‘true nature’ to her sight? How could I make myself so vulnerable to the woman that I adore and cherish and put myself in a place where she could hate me as much as I hated me?
Well I couldn’t. Not until I learned to love myself, and come to the realization that I am not a terrible person.
We talked for over an hour, her sobbing because she feels so alone, that she can’t talk to anyone about how she feels.
This I understand, so clearly. I told her that an alcoholic can get up on the first Sunday of the month and talk about his struggles so openly, because being an alcoholic is more socially acceptable than being gay. He could talk about the challenges he has gone through and how the same challenges has drawn him closer to God as he has worked through putting off the natural man to become more like God.
But if I were to stand at the pulpit and do what Scott most recently did, coming out to the congregation and testifying how wonderful it is to have same gender attraction and deny myself of ungodliness and in turn draw closer to God, I would likely lose friends and become an outcast. This is because of how the church views homosexuality. Sexual sin is as emotionally terrible to mortals as proper sexuality is emotionally indescribable to mortals. That is just how we are made as human beings.
I can’t come up with a more concise comparison to homosexuality, and I feel that it is wrong to compare it to alcoholism. Homosexuality is not an addiction. I cannot think of another comparison to clearly state my idea. If you can, please share.
In the end, homosexual feelings aren’t a sexual sin, acting upon those feelings are. But as hard as it has been for me to compartmentalize these separate ideas, it is harder for church members to do the same, because they are taught that ‘being gay is bad.’
Sigh
I was able to communicate this so clearly to my wife, and she understood me. She couldn’t resolve her feelings, and I accept that. It has taken me years to come to this understanding of myself; I can’t expect her to deal with as much in just a few hours.
I don’t expect her to understand why I would want to communicate with others with sga when I know that she believes that with a sustained effort these feelings will go away. I do not judge her for that, at least not right now. That is her belief system, which is liable to change with time and understanding as she gets to know the real me for the first time ever.
This blog is unknown to her. If I get the feeling that she does not want me to I might just leave the world of blogging and disappear from what I have become accustomed to in the past week.
I feel that I have learned and gained much in the time that I have been here. I feel that there is exponentially more positive growth possible with being here than not being here. I can see how some of the things that I have said might truly be inappropriate in her eyes, but that would be classified as being imperfect, mortal man that I am.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Miki went through similar stages, like your wife. She's still not quite happy that I think of myself as 2/3's gay (I'm a Kinsey 4(ish).)
If it would help your wife to communicate with others about this type of thing, Miki's happy to talk with other wives--so is Salad (of Salad and Drex, drexolympus.blogspot.com)
Anyway, you're in my thoughts.
This is tough stuff. I think your attitude is great. I think you have sorted this all out rather well. I hope your wife has a deep love for you and faith in you. You deserve it. I also unfortunately agree that we must deal with the reality of how our culture views us. Our church is that culture. There would be a sorting out. You would be pigeon holed. Your plate at the gospel table would be conditional. Your family would be judged. How would deep resentment not evolve. Keep that which is sacred to you and yours away from those who lack compassion and understanding. You have accepted your place in life ...a blessing. That alone will take you far. Our prayers are with you.
Mike, be gentle with your wife as she comes to grips with your new found freedom to vocalize your pent up feelings about sexuality. My wife needed to talk to a friend. She carefully chose one who could be trusted with her hurt and our privacy. It made all the difference. Try not to be "in your face" about it. For example, your comment about having fantasies about men in your last post could have been very hurtful. I can't remember if that was part of the dream or reality!
My wife knows all my past experiences, but tonight was the first time I actually said, "honey you know that I have same sex attraction, that I am gay don't you?" She did know. It is quite obvious knowing my past, but felt good to be able to say the words. I will post more about another time.
I asked her how she felt about what I said. She said it sometimes scares her. We were able to have a great talk about the love and life we share. I am so grateful for her love in spite of my problems. I think they can handle it better if they know that no matter what our attractions are, they hold our hearts. I am blessed and you are too.
These things take time. Be patient with your wife. Remember that she doesn't have the support group around her that you've now discovered in this blogging community.
As you've found out, this is an amazing place of strength and it gives you confidence and courage as you realize you're not alone. But, she's still alone. She needs her space and her time. Let her work it out.
When I came "out" to my wife, I didn't come out to the rest of my world, so in essense, I just pulled her into my closet. Yet, I have a side chamber in my closet that allows me to associate and learn and grow with the rest of you - while she's still in the dark. It's lonely. Remember how it feels?
Sex will always be a struggle for those of us further up the scale than Kengo. And the insecurities that come with our wives as they really think about how we are not fully or even partially attracted sexually to them is a devastating thing. Be kind and gentle and loving and BE THERE for her when she needs you.
It ain't easy, man... It ain't easy. Some days are better than others - but this marital relationship gig for MOMs is the hardest thing we can ever do. But, the choice has been made to be married - so be committed and show her that she's important to you and be sensitive as she comes along slowly to accepting the parameters she's facing as a married woman to a gay man!
Hugs,
Beck.
Dittos and Amen to what Beck said.
I'm here too if she needs someone to talk to or email. As I read more and more of the MoHo blogs, I am more and more confused about why I am so accepting of all of this, since most wives seem to struggle so much, not that I didn't and don't struggle.
Anyway, the only thing I can figure out is that God has blessed me to understand it so that I can help others to understand it. I look forward to having the opportunity to help in any way that I can!
Post a Comment