Not much seems to be going my way. Work has been slower than what I need it to be, school is hard and I am behind, finances are more challenging than usual and my wife and I are going through hard times.
After last week things have been subdued between us, until last night when we discussed prop 8 and I shared my views. I stated that the rights of individuals cannot be restrained due to our beliefs. Her views are black and white, typical of blind Mormon faith.
It was a big fight that did not turn out well. She couldn’t believe that I would support gay rights when the church had done so much in promoting prop 8. She feels that I am ignoring latter day revelation from the prophet. I have never done much research into the proposal or reactions either way, and so I can’t debate my way around the subject very well. I shared my feelings which opposed those belonging to my wife and she rejects them.
The conversation ended with her hanging up on me, after stating that she questions whether or not I am a good father and example to our children. This is interpreted to me as her questioning our relationship and making a decision if she wants to remain with me. I felt what she was saying was ‘shape up or ship out’ or ‘my way or the highway.’ This is not a subject that we can agree to disagree on.
I was scheduled to stay at school yesterday, but after getting off the phone with her I drove home, reaching our house at about 1:30am. She told me how much she loved me and we cuddled in bed for the rest of the night. I was up at 6 am taking care of our 13 month old son who has the flu and then again to get the two oldest kids off to elementary school.
I came home and made my wife breakfast, where she brought up the subject again. She had read the Elder Oaks discussion on same gender attraction and again it is pretty black and white to her. She feels that I am in the first stages of apostasy and it scares her.
I understand how she feels, but I feel certain things too that she does not understand. I don’t think that she really wants to get into understanding that much either.
I feel that I am going to have to sit down and shut up and ever since then I have been very depressed. 3 double cheeseburger ranked depression [for all of you who are counting my calories I inform you that those three burgers were about all I had all day].
One of my greatest character flaws is that when I feel sorry for myself I dwell on it. It is almost like I want to feel hurt, like I deserve it or something. I don’t feel good when I feel this way, but there has to be some payoff by it.
I don’t know what to do, other to prove to her that I choose her in my life.
I feel like I should sit down and shut up. I feel like I have no worth of being loved as an individual by mortals or heavenly beings. Of course the intellectual portion of myself argues that but the emotional being understands and accepts it as truth.
I am not chronically or clinically depressed. I don’t need meds and I know that this too shall pass sometime. I pray for love and acceptance from both my Heavenly Father and from my wife. I wish that the second coming would just come and all of this would come to an end. I am not suicidal, but I do want this mortal experience to come to an end so I can have the supposed relief that Elder Oaks promises. I am really just tired and I don’t want to go on. I feel that I am out of hope for this life so I am moving on to perhaps the afterlife. Maybe there is hope there.
Is this a midlife crisis? Am I allowed to have one before I turn thirty, or is this just a precursor to something that will cause far greater pain than I can imagine?