Wednesday, December 3, 2008

How I Met My Wife

I love my wife. We met 10 years ago this month in the mission field when we were both serving, though no feelings arose until 6 months after I returned home.

I had a girlfriend wait for me, though there was a bit of a break up somewhere around my halfway mark. I returned home a changed man from when I left. Before I was ok spiritually and very boisterous, when I returned I felt like a spiritual giant and more straight-laced.

My biggest issues with dating when I got home was that no girl recognized the spirituality that I had gained [except for my family, who didn’t value it]. I wanted to live a different, more spiritual life than those that I had been friends with before my mission, but nobody I knew was interested in living more spiritually. I had changed for the better, but my girlfriend changed not for the better, even though she had gone through the temple a few weeks before my return, preparing herself to be more ready to get married to me. She was seriously ready for marriage.

When I got home we went on a few dates before I was to move away for school. I was affectionate with her, but we didn’t kiss. I didn’t want to get too involved unless it was for the long run. The Saturday before I was moving to school we went out, and at the end of the date I was dropping her off at her house when she said that she wanted to talk. We had been out visiting her married friends whom she had confided in that she didn’t know what our relationship was any more.

They advised her to take initiative and kiss me, getting me to react and make a choice.

Wait, isn’t there a Cher song about that?

Anyway, I felt that I was going to be rude if I didn’t kiss her back, so I did. Unfortunately she was kissing aggressively and, well, you get the picture.

It felt so good, and I got too involved with it. I rationalized it away, perhaps partly because I was happy that my body responded the way that it did.

It was really early in the morning at this point and I crashed on her couch, her kneeling at my side, falling asleep across my chest. In the morning I knew that I had done something terribly wrong. How was I going to get out of this one? I knew that she wasn’t the one that I wanted to marry and I had led her on.

I was a terrible communicator at that time, and when I moved away, I broke up with her in an email and (ouch) said that though I didn’t want to close the lines of communication I wasn’t ready to talk to her on the phone. I knew that I would make things worse that way.

Well, it did not go over well, it was a disaster!! She was so angry with me, sending back all communication that I had sent her over email calling me a liar for saying all of the positive things that I did about our relationship.

What I haven’t mentioned yet was that before I met her she had tried to commit suicide. Now, I had caused great turmoil in her life and I was afraid that she was going to try to commit suicide again.

She went off the deep end, and went on a weekend getaway with her temple-married boss and though I don’t know the details, she had definitely fooled around with him. She had become inactive and her mother was furious with me.

You see, all of this time, her mother had been a big advocate of us getting together, and had a history of getting too involved in her daughter’s life. In fact, her husband made her promise not to write me on my mission, which she did anyway, getting me to promise not to say anything to her daughter. I tallied up the letters that I had received and I got just as many, if not more letters from the mom as I did from my girlfriend.

So her mom called my mom, accusing me of ruining her daughter’s life, to which my mother called her on the letters that she had sent me, telling her that she was building her up to marry me right when I got home.

I really don’t know why I am sharing all of this about my ex, it really isn’t about her. However, I do believe that going through that relationship led me to my beautiful and loving wife.

During this drama, I started chatting with my wife. It started one day at the end of November where I was chatting with an old companion with whom she had just broken up with. She had logged on and we were all chatting for a bit before he had to go, leaving us alone in the chat room.

Neither of us wanted to continue chatting as we were busy, but we were both too polite to say so and so we started to get to know each other.

We hit it off right away. I shared the challenges that I was having with my ex and she was really supportive of me. She recognized the spirituality that I had and appreciated it. That was enough to get my attention.

After a few days of chatting for several hours and long distance phone calls, I knew we were going to get married.

To make a long story short, we arranged for me to fly up to meet her the day after Christmas. Before I went home, two weeks later, we were engaged and we got married in April.

(I am leaving out many details of our engagement, obviously, leaving them for a later post)

My wife is one of the greatest blessings given to me. She is loving, supportive and encourages me to be a better person. There are times (as you have seen in previous posts) where we have our challenges (who doesn’t, in our situation [Okay, Scott and Sarah seem to be pretty perfect]).

I would never give up my family to live according to my SSA. Though I am tempted with desires that do not coincide with my goals, I could never leave them.

Lately things have been very good with my wife. We haven’t really discussed SSA or prop 8 since we had our issues, but I know that she still loves me more than ever, as I do with her.

I don’t think that I want to keep my blog from her any longer. I know that she will feel hurt that I have kept this from her, but when she starts reading my posts I hope that she will one day know that this is a positive influence in my life.

I ask you, fellow Moho’s, how should I break my blog to her? I don’t think that I want it to be a matter of just telling her. I want her to realize that I love her more than ever, and that I choose her more than ever so she doesn’t feel threatened by our blogging family. Of course, I know that Sarah will be great for my wife, providing that my wife is willing to get involved. Its not that I want my wife to start a blog too; I just want her to know this part of me, and be able to trust me more than before.

Really, my greatest goal is to grow closer to my wife, and have her love, respect and even appreciate this part of my life. I hope that she is able to do so.


Bravone said...

I enjoyed reading your post. My wife and I are going through the same things that you are experiencing. We are not at Scott's and Sarah's level of being as out and open as they are, but we have come a long way.

I told my wife that I belonged to North Star and explained how I benefited from it. Her first concern was that it might be a group where we just wanted to hook up. After explaining that the group consisted of individuals who were trying to deal with their SGA while remaining faithful to the Gospel, she felt much better.

I then told her about my "online diary." I told her it was a blog and told her the name and that she was welcome to look at it anytime she wanted. She first said that it was fine, she didn't need to look at it. She was willing to give me the space I needed. I told her nothing on the blog would surprise her. Recently she has expressed interest in becoming more involved and sharing my blog. I told her when she was ready to let me know and I will show her. I requested that I be there the first time in case she had any questions. She hasn't done it yet, but probably soon will.

She felt comfortable enough to attend Scott's event and we are heading to the Matis fireside this Friday. I think you already know exactly how to tell her.

To use your own words, "I would never give up my family to live according to my SSA. Though I am tempted with desires that do not coincide with my goals, I could never leave them."

"I don’t think that I want to keep my blog from her any longer. I know that she will feel hurt that I have kept this from her, but when she starts reading my posts I hope that she will one day know that this is a positive influence in my life."

"I want her to realize that I love her more than ever, and that I choose her more than ever so she doesn’t feel threatened by our blogging family."

Spot on. I would use those very words to introduce your blog and explain its significance to you.


Scott said...

If you ever want to hear how opinionated I can be, just ask me whether you should keep something from your wife or be open with her. I'm afraid I've made myself a pest to a couple of friends who I think would benefit from a bit more openness. :)

Your journey will be easier if your wife shares every bit of it with you, and she will be better off knowing that you have no secrets and that you deserve her trust. I'm 100% for telling her.

Mike said...

Bravone: Thank you for your support. My biggest concern is in showing her or convincing her that this brings goodness in my life and not a means for hooking up. I think that it is her biggest concern.

I think that this is the biggest challenge we face. In order for us to feel that we are understood, we feel the need to be around others in the same situation, but it is understandable that there can be danger in it. Perhaps she will feel the need to read blogs that belong to others in the family to realize the support that is happening. Of course I don't really participate in blogs who have or are in the process of leaving the church, so she should feel safe with the men I am in contact with.

Thank you for sharing your views, I hope that my wife takes it as well as yours has.

Mike said...

Scott: You are a lucky man to have had a wife as supportive as yours. It seems as though all you have had to do is be openly honest with your feelings and she was right there with you.

I can only hope for the best like your situation, but I am afraid that it might not be the case. I need to find ways to break it to her to help her be as supportive as possible, but I also need to allow her to go through her process as well.

Do you have any added advice on how to ease her into it? I think that I already know the answers, maybe I just need a little boost to get the ball rolling there.

Thank you for your support. I am so blessed to have found yours and Sarah's blog as you both have given me much hope for my situation.

Alan said...


I don't know that I can do better than Bravone and Scott.

Keep it simple and direct. Say what Bravone said you should say, and as Scott said, make sure she knows this is a positive thing for you and will help you stay true to your covenants and to her. I can't presume to write a script for you, but I think Bravone & Scott have given you what you need.

Sarah said...

Just for the record, Scott and I are far from perfect. I'm honored that you would view us as such.

I started writing a comment to you about my experience with being introduced to the queerosphere. My comment was getting really long, so I turned it into a blog post instead.

I hope it helps. I think opening up to her in every way is a really good thing. Good luck. I hope it goes well. We will all look forward to reading about the outcome!

(By the way, thank you for this post. It got me blogging and reflecting, which got me out of the depression I had sunk into today, not about the gay thing, but just every-day life events.)

Beck said...

MIKE: I thank you for sharing your story of how you met your wife.

As for sharing with your wife this blogging world and community, all I can say is I don't know how to say to my wife the words Bravone scripted for you.

Scott has driven me crazy with his request to get me to open up to her. I think maybe my blog has become too important for me. I'm fearful that knowing my wife is reading, my blog will be come sanitized and safe for Sunday School lessons (and maybe it should be) but that isn't what I want my blog for.

So, if you figure it out, please pass on your insights, because just saying it doesn't work for me.

Best wishes.