I love my wife. We met 10 years ago this month in the mission field when we were both serving, though no feelings arose until 6 months after I returned home.
I had a girlfriend wait for me, though there was a bit of a break up somewhere around my halfway mark. I returned home a changed man from when I left. Before I was ok spiritually and very boisterous, when I returned I felt like a spiritual giant and more straight-laced.
My biggest issues with dating when I got home was that no girl recognized the spirituality that I had gained [except for my family, who didn’t value it]. I wanted to live a different, more spiritual life than those that I had been friends with before my mission, but nobody I knew was interested in living more spiritually. I had changed for the better, but my girlfriend changed not for the better, even though she had gone through the temple a few weeks before my return, preparing herself to be more ready to get married to me. She was seriously ready for marriage.
When I got home we went on a few dates before I was to move away for school. I was affectionate with her, but we didn’t kiss. I didn’t want to get too involved unless it was for the long run. The Saturday before I was moving to school we went out, and at the end of the date I was dropping her off at her house when she said that she wanted to talk. We had been out visiting her married friends whom she had confided in that she didn’t know what our relationship was any more.
They advised her to take initiative and kiss me, getting me to react and make a choice.
Wait, isn’t there a Cher song about that?
Anyway, I felt that I was going to be rude if I didn’t kiss her back, so I did. Unfortunately she was kissing aggressively and, well, you get the picture.
It felt so good, and I got too involved with it. I rationalized it away, perhaps partly because I was happy that my body responded the way that it did.
It was really early in the morning at this point and I crashed on her couch, her kneeling at my side, falling asleep across my chest. In the morning I knew that I had done something terribly wrong. How was I going to get out of this one? I knew that she wasn’t the one that I wanted to marry and I had led her on.
I was a terrible communicator at that time, and when I moved away, I broke up with her in an email and (ouch) said that though I didn’t want to close the lines of communication I wasn’t ready to talk to her on the phone. I knew that I would make things worse that way.
Well, it did not go over well, it was a disaster!! She was so angry with me, sending back all communication that I had sent her over email calling me a liar for saying all of the positive things that I did about our relationship.
What I haven’t mentioned yet was that before I met her she had tried to commit suicide. Now, I had caused great turmoil in her life and I was afraid that she was going to try to commit suicide again.
She went off the deep end, and went on a weekend getaway with her temple-married boss and though I don’t know the details, she had definitely fooled around with him. She had become inactive and her mother was furious with me.
You see, all of this time, her mother had been a big advocate of us getting together, and had a history of getting too involved in her daughter’s life. In fact, her husband made her promise not to write me on my mission, which she did anyway, getting me to promise not to say anything to her daughter. I tallied up the letters that I had received and I got just as many, if not more letters from the mom as I did from my girlfriend.
So her mom called my mom, accusing me of ruining her daughter’s life, to which my mother called her on the letters that she had sent me, telling her that she was building her up to marry me right when I got home.
I really don’t know why I am sharing all of this about my ex, it really isn’t about her. However, I do believe that going through that relationship led me to my beautiful and loving wife.
During this drama, I started chatting with my wife. It started one day at the end of November where I was chatting with an old companion with whom she had just broken up with. She had logged on and we were all chatting for a bit before he had to go, leaving us alone in the chat room.
Neither of us wanted to continue chatting as we were busy, but we were both too polite to say so and so we started to get to know each other.
We hit it off right away. I shared the challenges that I was having with my ex and she was really supportive of me. She recognized the spirituality that I had and appreciated it. That was enough to get my attention.
After a few days of chatting for several hours and long distance phone calls, I knew we were going to get married.
To make a long story short, we arranged for me to fly up to meet her the day after Christmas. Before I went home, two weeks later, we were engaged and we got married in April.
(I am leaving out many details of our engagement, obviously, leaving them for a later post)
My wife is one of the greatest blessings given to me. She is loving, supportive and encourages me to be a better person. There are times (as you have seen in previous posts) where we have our challenges (who doesn’t, in our situation [Okay, Scott and Sarah seem to be pretty perfect]).
I would never give up my family to live according to my SSA. Though I am tempted with desires that do not coincide with my goals, I could never leave them.
Lately things have been very good with my wife. We haven’t really discussed SSA or prop 8 since we had our issues, but I know that she still loves me more than ever, as I do with her.
I don’t think that I want to keep my blog from her any longer. I know that she will feel hurt that I have kept this from her, but when she starts reading my posts I hope that she will one day know that this is a positive influence in my life.
I ask you, fellow Moho’s, how should I break my blog to her? I don’t think that I want it to be a matter of just telling her. I want her to realize that I love her more than ever, and that I choose her more than ever so she doesn’t feel threatened by our blogging family. Of course, I know that Sarah will be great for my wife, providing that my wife is willing to get involved. Its not that I want my wife to start a blog too; I just want her to know this part of me, and be able to trust me more than before.
Really, my greatest goal is to grow closer to my wife, and have her love, respect and even appreciate this part of my life. I hope that she is able to do so.