A few weeks ago I had a big fight with my wife over prop 8 and about gay rights (see past post). Not getting too far into it, I felt that even homosexuals should be able to have certain things that my wife did not think they should have.
I felt totally rejected, especially when she questioned my spirituality as a result of it, and the ability that I was giving up in being a spiritual patriarch to my family. My heart was broken, because I had just entered into the blogging family and for the first time in my life, I had been accepted with my darkest secret.
I knew that I had grown some, and that my wife had not. I know that it would be unfair for her for me to expect anything more than the support she was already providing me, knowing about my SSA.
That realization did not erase from me the feelings of rejection and a desire from being accepted from my wife, just as a true understanding of the plan of salvation does not erase homosexual desires from our hearts.
It was at that time that I entered a deep depression that lasted only for a day or so. I couldn't talk or be with my wife. My schoolwork suffered and though I never have seriously considered suicide at any time of my life, the suicidal thoughts came to me as they sometimes do. I was literally a mess and it scared the crap out of my wife while I repeatedly ignored call after immediate call from her, only sending texts in reply that I couldn't talk to her in the state that I was in.
She eventually gave up around midnight, after a couple of hours of trying to communicate with me. I crashed into sleep, emotionally exhausted from the depression that I had felt.
The next morning I awoke with the morning-after depression, just like the sadness you wake up with after having a big fight the night before with your spouse. I knew that no resolution was made, but I contacted my wife to let her know that I was awake and going to classes. (I go to school an hour away from home, often staying at school in a rented room in someone’s house)
She immediately started sobbing, because all night she had worried if I was going to kill myself because of how depressed I was and how I wouldn’t talk to her. She has these fears based on a loved one in her family that has been suicidal in the past, nearly going through with it a few times, the last of which we together rescued this person in the act.
Since then, we have been better, though we haven’t really revisited the conversation; I think we are too afraid to go down that road, as it was clear that we couldn’t amicably agree to disagree.
For the record, my wife did seek counsel from a friend that we call our ‘therapist,’ a grandmotherly Brain Gym practitioner who has helped us overcome emotional issues for as long as we have been together. This really should become a future post, but I can confidently say that through this I have become a remarkably different person, a complete 180 in some respects, and that I know without a doubt that without Brain Gym I would not be where I am today.
Back to the story. At this time I discovered Sarah’s blog and started reading it. For the first time I had hope for a better relationship with my wife, and it was because I knew that Scott and Sarah had theirs. I didn’t believe that I could have a more open relationship with my wife, but after reading Sarah’s blog, I knew that it is possible.
I knew that my wife loved me, with all of her heart, and that she would do anything that she is capable of to love and support me. I don’t know how long it will take, but I knew then that it was possible.
It is because of Scott and Sarah that I want to introduce my loving, caring, beautiful wife to my blog. I fear her fears, and I am doing what I can to prepare her for a smooth introduction. I am being patient, I don’t think that I could just drop it on her out of the blue, but it is the center of my prayers right now.
So perhaps I do idolize Scott and Sarah, probably more than they think that I should, but at the risk of sounding dramatic (which I loathe, even though I still am at times), I do feel that they were able to do something that nobody in existence could have done for me a the time.
Ugh! That did sound really dramatic. Excuse me while I am shamefully embarrassed by the truth of how I feel.
In the end, I think that my situation will be different from theirs, in that I think that there is no way that I would ever come out openly to the ward and others, but I do with to be more open with myself, my wife and a few other loved ones now that I more fully love myself.