Monday, December 8, 2008

Buttering Her Up and Getting Buttered Myself

When I decided to tell my wife about my blog, I felt that that I needed to prepare her for it. I knew that the basis of her future fear was that she was going to lose me, one way or another, so I wanted her to come from a place where she was confident with our relationship, so that when she counts back to when I first started my blog, that she would see that I wasn’t having any rendez-vous's [don't know how to make that plural] with other mohos to hook up, or that I wasn’t disconnecting from her and the family, or that I wasn’t drastically changing who I was to threaten our relationship.

So in the past few days I have been texting her during class and work times to let her know that I have been thinking about her. I have sent her love letters via email to remind her how I feel. I let her sleep in when I am home and get the kids ready for the day. I made her French toast today for brunch (yes, I admit, we forgot it was Fast Sunday) and served it to her on a breakfast tray as she worked on her Sunday School lesson on our bed. After the ward Christmas party we watched her favorite show, Ghost Whisperer while I made her a therapeutic foot soak and alternated in exfoliating her feet and then moisturizing, something that she LOVES having done.

I have returned every form of affection that she gives me (something that doesn’t always happen when I am not in the mood). I have given her neck rubs and foot rubs. I joke with her and play games with her and her siblings and we have fun. It’s a lot like we are in love, and we are.

After experiencing so much positivity, I sit on the fence about sharing my blog with her because I am still afraid of what it will do to our relationship. We feel so close, and I can’t wait until I am done with exams this week to be able to spend more time with her over the holidays.

A few years ago, she found out that I had a problem with porn, and it nearly destroyed us. She was so upset, and though I know that this isn’t the same, and that she only mentioned the word divorce in her first knee-jerk reactions and that it really wasn’t how she felt overall, I still fear that there will be some fallout over this.

I know that none of you can really know our situation without knowing my wife more. For the time I will continue to build our relationship, because I love it. I love her, and in redoubling my effort to love her I have fallen even more in love with her.

So if you will excuse me, I will now go cuddle with my wife.

P.S. Tonight when we were getting into bed (I am writing in bed on my laptop) I said that I had a really good idea for a free Christmas present that she could give me that I would love. I told her that she could let us switch the sides of the bed that we normally sleep on for a month. She laughed and then told me no way.

I have always slept on the left (when you are standing at the foot of the bed, facing the head of the bed, but recently I feel more comfortable on the other side, but she never lets me get away with actually sleeping there.

Is this something that any of you experience? What side do you all sleep on, and is there a male trend, or is it just blind habit?


Scott said...

I sit on the fence about sharing my blog with her because I am still afraid of what it will do to our relationship.

The thing is, no matter what you do you'll never know whether the other choice might have turned out better or worse.

If you don't tell her and continue on in your current blissful state of close intimacy and love, you can assume that telling her would have disrupted your happiness, but it's possible that it would have made things even better and brought you even closer.

If you do tell her, even if there's an explosion and a bit of a falling out you won't be able to be certain that things wouldn't have fallen apart anyway, as she sensed that you were keeping something from her. And if you do tell her and the openness in your relationship brings you closer, you'll still never know for sure that things wouldn't have been better if you had left her in the dark.

Not being able to see the future makes it awful hard to make decisions based on what might happen, doesn't it? :)

It's better, then, to make decisions based on what's right, either based on universally accepted morals and ethics, or based on what we've been taught in the Church about right and wrong, or (best of all) based on what the Spirit tells us is right. That way, no matter what the consequences are, we'll know we made the right choice.

As for sleeping arrangements:

I sleep on what I think of as the "right" side of the bed, but I think it's the same side you're on (it's the right side when you're actually sitting or lying in bed).

I think sometimes when we're away from home we switch sides without even thinking about it, though. At my parents' condo I think it has varied depending on which room we're in. I think that maybe in general I sleep in whichever side of the bed is furthest from the door, but even that isn't 100% consistent.

Kengo Biddles said...

If you're looking at the headboard, I sleep on the right side of the bed...I guess you could consider it the driver's side of the bed...I don't know why I ended up sleeping on that side, it's just always been my side.


I'd never really thought about it.

As for telling about your blog, for Miki, it was a trust thing--and it was a painful transition from her not knowing, to knowing, but as she read my blog, she and I grew closer.

There you go.

Mike said...

I know that telling her about my blog could bring us closer together than otherwise could happen, it's true. And don't get me wrong, I really do want that. I guess I am getting cold feet.

Oh, and when I shut down my laptop to cuddle with my wife, our three year old son promptly woke up and crawled into bed with us. He is so adorable I couldn't not cuddle with him too.

I don't know how they know the exact point in time when I quietly retire for the evening, but as soon as I shift my weight in bed, someone always wakes up.

Zach said...

I've always slept on the left side, facing the headboard... same as you. Even before I got married, I gravitated to that side.

Sarah said...

I think it is time to warm your feet up!

I had an idea: why don't you start by casually introducing her to the fact that you read other people's blogs sometimes. Maybe print out a copy of some of my blog posts: happy ones, or ones that you think she can relate to without freaking her out (leave prop 8 out of it for now). Then tell her you found the blog of someone in her same circumstance and wondered if it would help to realize that she is not alone. Have her just read them on paper first.

Then, depending on her reaction, you could decide how soon or IF to introduce your blog to her. Start by telling her you have one, like you suggested, but then maybe give her some time to absorb the idea before you tell her where it is.

Then, when (if) she wants to read my blog or yours, either read it with her (be there with her) or at least plan on talking about it with her later.

Once you start opening up to each other, it gets easier and easier until there is absolutely no cold feet about being honest with each other about everything.

And remember it is okay to disagree. Just try not to over-react. Try to see things from her perspective, while letting her know that you love her and respect her opinion, you just don't agree entirely. Don't let the discussion get heated, at least not from your side of it.

Does any of this seem reasonable to you?

(When I share a blog post with someone without sharing the location of the blog, I cut and paste it into a word document before I print it.)

If none of my blog posts seem like what you want to show her exactly, tell me what you have in mind, and I will try to put one together for you to share with her.

Don't back out now! You can do it, and regardless of the results, it can't be entirely bad. Good always seems to come from the worst possible circumstances. That is how God helps us to grow.

Grégoire said...

too funny. my wife is the exact same way. i've been bugging her to switch for ten years now. no hope in sight.

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